The Swandive

your mood today is

God, today I die again.
In order that I might live,
and that others might also.

Be in my heart,
move in.
Kick out the neighbors of
jealousy, hurt, anger
and fear.

Love, move in.
Hurry.

Before I screw it up again.
Amen.

Happy birthday Ma

Ma,

It is the first day of spring, which always means it is also your birthday. I love this day, or at least I used to, maybe I still do, but it sure is harder without you here.

So much has happened since you have been gone, so much. I bring you along with me everywhere I go, but now there are so many new people in my life, people you never got to meet, that its hard. Most people don't know anymore, what happened. Don't know about me, the motherless daughter of Anne, Super-Mom. Anne - missing person. Anne - my best friend. Sure, I have learned how to push through those days, remember, when I used to call you, sobbing, about this life change or that boyfriend/girlfriend problem. I have found friends who can listen to me, and Cassie, wow. She is like a mini-you. I know that whenever my bottom is falling out - I know I can call her. Sometimes, you know she even sounds like you. Its strange really, DNA and genetic makeup of a person, of family.

I am growing my hair out, remember when you paid me a hundred bucks not to cut my hair for a year, I did it, you gave me the hundred bucks, and I blew it on a haircut?! Wow - sometimes I was a real ass of a kid. Will you ever be able to forgive me? Please forgive me.

Anyway, I miss you. I think about you all the time, although its getting harder to remember you, and that hurts, a lot. I know you were never one for big birthday celebrations. But, when I was going through alot of your things when you were first gone, I saw you always saved our cards. So here is my card for you this year. Filled with all of the love and tears and all the hope that spring brings. I love you, Ma. Happy Birthday. 

a doublemint day

Double double church church - with a sweet sweet filling of good friends in between - that would be a fair description of today. Sort of an oreo cookie double stuff day. Except - I am sort of an original oreo lover myself. But - its a metaphor. I'll stick with it.

I have mentioned here a few times, my love for the two new church communities I have been attending lately. Today - it was just so amazing, so outstanding, so good, that I really do wonder. I wonder why, why are these places not just bursting at the seams? I mean really? Their awesome-ness is just breath-taking sometimes.

I am fully aware that I am a total church dork. Yep - 110% on fire for Jesus, yet something nags at me. Every week I hold in my mind, all my friends, family and people I have met over the years that are not the Lord lover that I am. My non-churchy, not down with the Gee Ohh Dee friends. They are not all pagans or agnostic, but some are. I try to imagine what they might experience, what they might hear if they were to stop in some Sunday, or more importantly, what they might experience or hear about God, through me. Because, really - that is a much more realistic view. People do not just wake up, after not going to church or believing in God, and say..."hmmm, church today?"

Today they would have heard that the church cares about women, empowering them, working to make them equal to men, and reducing mortality rates of their children. They would have known that its not just Co-ops and the Human Rights Campaign that care about and are DOING something about injustice and foodshelves. They would have heard someones needs, real (healing, grocery lists, childcare, loving, tell me I am not alone) needs, being met in a group of friends and strangers muttering together "hear our prayer."

I have a present, a gift, that I am dying to share with the world.

valentines and love

As the day that focuses on the heart, love, and all things squooshy hits the horizon, I thought I'd take a minute to share a few thoughts.

Today at work, we got the special sneak preview of the formal process stuff about some news thats going down. Thursday, the same powerpoint presentation will be given to a whole bunch of leaders and mucky-mucks around the diocese. What struck me most was as a group, we tried to anticipate what kind of questions people would have. The thing is, what we talked about will most likely happen. But what we tried to imagine was all of the crappy, non productive comments that people will have.

What energy you put out into the world, what you imagine, is the energy that will be.

My partner and I met with the pastors at House of Mercy on Sunday night. We had some questions, lots of them, mainly wondering how we could connect, where the secret door was, or if there was a secret handshake. I prayed most of the day that day- that the conversation, the whole experience might be a blessing, for them and for us. I think it was. I have a lot more quesitons, but I left feeling pumped. I wonder what God might be doing.

What energy you put out into the world, what you imagine, is the energy that will be.

I got the last of the blessing pictures this week. They are from the person who took snaps during the worship and then a few at the reception. Sometimes I wish that my brain were hooked up to a blog or email, and everytime I had a thank you to offer, a kind word, it would just go from my brain to reality. So often what shows up here is selfish drivel, and crab apple-ing about this and that. I have a cool life and great people in it.

What energy you put out into the world, what you imagine, is the energy that will be.

God of Mercy, I am not sure what is going on these days, but let me focus on your love, your healing. Help me to get the things done that need to get done. Help me take my first steps - replacing good loving thoughts for the bad ones. And for your sake - let me be a part of a solution, a good thing, a new thing.

forgiveness

ephesians 4:32

and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

A story hit the AP today that has jarred me. It’s about Lynn Bauman, the brother of Ward Bauman, the Director at House of Prayer in Collegeville, MN. He is also an author and leader in the subject of Anglican Prayer Beads. He wrote a little book that has shaped and transformed me. Some of you many know, I make prayer beads, and use them as a part of my prayer life and practice. And Lynn, is a registered sex offender.

The article, which I think is very well written, and balanced, is basically about this group, Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests (SNAP), wanting to “bringing awareness” to his coming to Minnesota, to lead a retreat. And Lynn, trying to work and get on with his life.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. It happened for a long time, from when I was 6 until 16. It is the part of me and my past that I think has shaped me the most, not for the most obvious reasons.

I went to church camp as a kid. We used to sing the Ephesians 4:32 song. I went to church camp in the years I was still being abused. The idea of forgiveness was one of the first things that I remembered learning as a Christian. So, when my abuser, years and thousands of dollars, and after two court cases and a few months of jail time (yes – a few months), told me he was sorry. And I forgave him. I still forgive him. I have to keep forgiving him.

One day, we found ourselves alone, after some pretty crappy shit with my mom had gone down. He knocked on my door, and asked if he could talk with me. It was then that he apologized, made amends with me, told me that he hoped that he did not “screw up” my life. He told me that I was a smart, strong, capable, amazing young woman who he hurt, and he was sorry for what he had done. He admitted to me (after denying to everyone) what he had done. Still brings tears to my eyes. Some days I am mad that he is forgiven, by me and by God. I get where the SNAP people are coming from, for sure. But ahhhhh, the healing power of forgiveness.

I have written and re-written this post now a bunch of times. Adding and deleting. Maybe I need to do some thinking, prayer and further reflections. Later.

Lord, thank you for the gift of forgiveness. For it truly is in giving that we receive. Be with all of your children who have suffered abuse, from priests and others, give them peace that only you can give. Be also with the offenders, the ones who are working on their illnesses, and the ones who aren’t. Grant them wisdom, courage and strength to turn theirs hearts to love, to what is right and good, to healing, to You, Healer and Redeemer of us all. Amen.

a little (daily) help from my friends

I just subscribed to getting a daily email a few weeks ago. My email box had been the dumping ground of much spam (and other various lists of "spiritual" junk) in the past - I had to unsubscribe to many things for a while. I am now down to just a few. Anyway, the one I get daily now is called verse and voice. It's from Sojourners. If you don't know them, check em', yo. Here is todays voice.

How much longer am I going to think about my hair more often than about things in the world that matter?

- Anne Lamott
from "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"

*wink wink and a nod to my great conversation with Sarcastic Lutheran today *

Going dark for a few days

Hey friends.
I am going dark for a few days.
Thought I would let you know.
Don't take me off your reading list.
I'll be back.
Just need some space.
Pray for me, a wandering soul.

Prayers - an update

So, for those of you who really pray for those who I have asked for prayers for - I am so sorry for not being very good at reporting what has happened.

First, Radar, my sisters doggie, had to be put down. His health faded very very quickly, and you can imagine, this was a very sad time for my sister. And for all who love and who had tried to get help for Radar in his last days.

Second - go read this from Sara about Eliot. Whoo hooo! Rock on - happy happy dance. Arm pump - shake shake shake your super healthy bootie.

Third - Amy is a friend of mine, through my sweetie. She is awesome. She is a beautiful mom of 2, who has a brain tumor thing in her head that is cancerous. I thought I had mentioned it before, but in looking for my prayers about it - they have been in my brain and on my heart - and not here. So - will you add her to your prayer list please? She started radiation/chemo on Jan 16th. The road ahead is tough - so any and all good thoughts her way would be awesome.

And the update on sweeties knee/leg. The diagnosis came in. It is not a super common thing - but at least we know what it is. Its a form of arthritis. And she carries the gene that predisposes someone to get this wierd thing. But - drug regiment has begun, and hopefully soon enough - it will all be a distant memory. Until then - prayers for healing are still totally encouraged.

Thanks prayer warriors. Oh and thank you everyone for the love and prayers and support for me and my bout with depression. My therapist finally called yesterday - wow - and things are starting to move back into middle land - neither up up up or down down down. Amen amen amen.