The Swandive

adaptation

So there is this bush in my front yard, I have no idea what it is. But its reddish and greenish, and has little leaves. Its wispy and bright amidst a bunch of greens and hostas and every once in a while some bright new surprising flower. So this bush is right next to this other growing plant thing, which everywhere else in the yard is green and sort of waxy looking, and really green. I suppose it will flower at some point - and I am nearly sure (being the black thumb gardener that I am) that they are intentional and not in fact weeds. There are like 5 or so of them throughout the yard.

So this photo is of of the wispy plant, next to the other waxy plant. But you might notice that they look to be the same color. The waxy plant, has taken on the color of the wispy plant. It got me to thinking about adaptation.

I am just barely two weeks into my new job. I have been meeting with folks, reading, listening to where the Spirit is moving not only in the community, but in me. I have a confession to make about what I have been feeling so far. I am filled with a holy, I don't want to call it fear, or confusion, but I can't think of the right words to describe what to call it, and these two words are the only thing I can find to start to talk about what is lurking beneath my surface.

For some time, I really thought I knew what was up, and what was down. God is showing to me that I don't know jack. I can honestly say that I know God is in this, but my ideas, my foundation, my whole understanding of the church, is being pushed to the edges. Never have I ever felt more unsure, more aware of the need to depend on God.

There is a beautiful prayer in the Book of Common Prayer that looms. I have it placed on my heart, as well as here.

God, give me a heart for adaptation. Show me, move me to know the Spirit of Jesus, who ate and drank with the other, who listened to the Father, but also to the people. Your Spirit dwells in all people, and you call them good and beloved. Transform me, let me bend and move and shake outside of my zone of comfort, and then, help me rest and know that it is in your hands, not mine. I pray all this in the name of the Holy One, Amen.

making a list and checking it twice

So, I kicked, I screamed, I pouted. I was like a 4 year old, behaving badly. I already went to church, I didn't want to go again. But, I got over myself, sucked it up, and went.

You see I signed up to volunteer at church, talking to people after church, hanging out by the visitors kiosk. I made this commitment weeks earlier. To top it off - I was not at the last meeting (due to a conflict), so I was not going to bail. Normally - this is the kind of thing that makes my heart beat, but its been a long first week at work, and the air conditioners were still not in at home. One more night of sleeping in what seemed to be the hottest place on earth, was not appealing to me. Whine whine whine.

So isn't it always that way - that God shows up in the places you resist? The ones you seem to fight the hardest against? That is what happened to me. It came in the form of music.

The Mercy Band changed up a bit this week - Razz - the bands leader, was not there. I'll admit it, I know no one in the band. But I look at them every Sunday - in awe of their talent and voices. This Sunday, someone other than Razz took the front man gig, and he was simply, honestly, soulfully beautiful. As the second hymn began, I was transported.

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Travelling through this world of woe
There's no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go

I'm going there to meet my [father/mother/Savior]
I'm going there no more to roam
I'm just a-going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

Yes I'm going over Jordan
Just going, no more to roam
Only going over Jordan
Just a-going to my home

This will be the song I will have played at my funeral.

Do you ever encounter this in your own life, you see something (like a Joseph Cornell or Freida Kahlo piece of art), or hear something (like the first time I heard Bonnie Raitt sing "Feels Like Home"), smell something and become overtaken by a sense, become transported to a time not yet come?

My friend Jesus

From The Writers Almanac with Garrison Keillor.
Listen (RealAudio) | How to listen      

Poem: "Heaven on Earth" by Kristin Berkey-Abbott from, Whistling Past the Graveyard. © Pudding House Publications, 2004. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

(photo is a must see from Jesus of the Week)

Heaven on Earth

I saw Jesus at the bowling alley,
slinging nothing but gutter balls.
He said, "You've gotta love a hobby
that allows ugly shoes."
He lit a cigarette and bought me a beer.
So I invited him to dinner.

I knew the Lord couldn't see my house
in its current condition, so I gave it an out
of season spring cleaning. What to serve
for dinner? Fish—the logical                                                          
choice, but after 2000 years, he must grow weary
of everyone's favorite seafood dishes.
I thought of my Granny's ham with Coca Cola
glaze, but you can't serve that to a Jewish
boy. Likewise pizza—all my favorite
toppings involve pork.

In the end, I made us an all-dessert buffet.
We played Scrabble and Uno and Yahtzee
and listened to Bill Monroe.
Jesus has a healthy appetite for sweets,
I'm happy to report. He told strange
stories which I've puzzled over for days now.

We've got an appointment for golf on Wednesday.
Ordinarily I don't play, and certainly not in this humidity.
But the Lord says he knows a grand miniature
golf course with fiberglass mermaids and working windmills
and the best homemade ice cream you ever tasted.
Sounds like Heaven to me.

my FRANK moment today

HT to auntiefrank.
Yeah, what she said.
awesome card brought to you by hugh @ gapingvoid.com

putting together a life

Easter Monday. Back to the land of the living - you know - what with Jesus dying and rising again this year. Lent and Holy Week are over (*phew*) and I am back at the business of putting my life together.

I got a new CD the other day. Colin Hay - I know I keep going on and on and on about him, but there is this song (waiting for my real life to begin), its like me and God talking. Here... its so worth the download.

(Me)
Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

(God) And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
(Me) Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

(Me) When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

(God) And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
(Me) Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

(Me) Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

(God) And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
(Me) Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

(releasing my clenching fists - *exhale*) OK. Its time. God, my plan sucks. Help me to be still, my heart is open, I will not judge, I will not call unclean what you call clean. I'll get out of the way. Promise. Your will be done. I get it. Yours, really. Amen.

preach it

From sojo today.

When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism, are incapable of being conquered. A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our past and present policies.

- Martin Luther King, Jr
from "A Time to Break Silence", King's address given on this day, April 4th in 1967 at the Riverside Church in New York City.

Happy birthday Ma

Ma,

It is the first day of spring, which always means it is also your birthday. I love this day, or at least I used to, maybe I still do, but it sure is harder without you here.

So much has happened since you have been gone, so much. I bring you along with me everywhere I go, but now there are so many new people in my life, people you never got to meet, that its hard. Most people don't know anymore, what happened. Don't know about me, the motherless daughter of Anne, Super-Mom. Anne - missing person. Anne - my best friend. Sure, I have learned how to push through those days, remember, when I used to call you, sobbing, about this life change or that boyfriend/girlfriend problem. I have found friends who can listen to me, and Cassie, wow. She is like a mini-you. I know that whenever my bottom is falling out - I know I can call her. Sometimes, you know she even sounds like you. Its strange really, DNA and genetic makeup of a person, of family.

I am growing my hair out, remember when you paid me a hundred bucks not to cut my hair for a year, I did it, you gave me the hundred bucks, and I blew it on a haircut?! Wow - sometimes I was a real ass of a kid. Will you ever be able to forgive me? Please forgive me.

Anyway, I miss you. I think about you all the time, although its getting harder to remember you, and that hurts, a lot. I know you were never one for big birthday celebrations. But, when I was going through alot of your things when you were first gone, I saw you always saved our cards. So here is my card for you this year. Filled with all of the love and tears and all the hope that spring brings. I love you, Ma. Happy Birthday. 

God is still speaking

The UCC'ers know this slogan well, God is still speaking. It's their recent slogan and marketing campaign for the church. But - I am going to rip it off for this post. Well, borrow it.

My friend stopped by the office yesterday. This was not just any friend, this is one of my friends who I used to work in ministry with. I feel like it has been ages since I have seen this friend. As it turns out, he dropped out of, well everything for a while. He's on the road back. When he stopped by, I ran, literally ran, down the hall to see him- and there he was. I got the best hug ever. Just like he used to give. I get choked up just thinking about it.

Last night my sweetie and I had a friend over, talked shop (church shop) and tried to hear the Spirit over pasta bake. She told stories, I did too. We exchanged ideas and excitement and God moved.

At 4:40 this morning I was wide awake, from all of the things that God placed in my dreams, and in my heart. It was one of those sleepless nights like I used to have, working with my friend who just happened to stop by yesterday.

God is doing something. I am terrified, and overjoyed, and I am crying.

Whats next God? I know you are the King of subliminal messages, but a clear word would be really really cool. I'll be here, listening. Thank you, for my friends. Be with them too God, in this time of change. Mold us, open us - to hear You. All for Your sake, amen.

Back away from the keyboard

*tear*...*sniff*...

Got my girly time of the month yesterday. I have been on the verge of tears since waking up today. I am weepy, paranoid, and just all around not very rational.

So, I am going to back away from the keyboard until I can be trusted to write about something that I will not totally regret later.

Will someone please tell me a story or link yourself in my comments so I can escape from my own inner dialog and read something from you? A joke, something funny or quirky, something interesting and historical (not hysterical)- anything except something that will make me cry. Thanks. See you in the comments.

a doublemint day

Double double church church - with a sweet sweet filling of good friends in between - that would be a fair description of today. Sort of an oreo cookie double stuff day. Except - I am sort of an original oreo lover myself. But - its a metaphor. I'll stick with it.

I have mentioned here a few times, my love for the two new church communities I have been attending lately. Today - it was just so amazing, so outstanding, so good, that I really do wonder. I wonder why, why are these places not just bursting at the seams? I mean really? Their awesome-ness is just breath-taking sometimes.

I am fully aware that I am a total church dork. Yep - 110% on fire for Jesus, yet something nags at me. Every week I hold in my mind, all my friends, family and people I have met over the years that are not the Lord lover that I am. My non-churchy, not down with the Gee Ohh Dee friends. They are not all pagans or agnostic, but some are. I try to imagine what they might experience, what they might hear if they were to stop in some Sunday, or more importantly, what they might experience or hear about God, through me. Because, really - that is a much more realistic view. People do not just wake up, after not going to church or believing in God, and say..."hmmm, church today?"

Today they would have heard that the church cares about women, empowering them, working to make them equal to men, and reducing mortality rates of their children. They would have known that its not just Co-ops and the Human Rights Campaign that care about and are DOING something about injustice and foodshelves. They would have heard someones needs, real (healing, grocery lists, childcare, loving, tell me I am not alone) needs, being met in a group of friends and strangers muttering together "hear our prayer."

I have a present, a gift, that I am dying to share with the world.