The Swandive

forgiveness

ephesians 4:32

and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

A story hit the AP today that has jarred me. It’s about Lynn Bauman, the brother of Ward Bauman, the Director at House of Prayer in Collegeville, MN. He is also an author and leader in the subject of Anglican Prayer Beads. He wrote a little book that has shaped and transformed me. Some of you many know, I make prayer beads, and use them as a part of my prayer life and practice. And Lynn, is a registered sex offender.

The article, which I think is very well written, and balanced, is basically about this group, Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests (SNAP), wanting to “bringing awareness” to his coming to Minnesota, to lead a retreat. And Lynn, trying to work and get on with his life.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. It happened for a long time, from when I was 6 until 16. It is the part of me and my past that I think has shaped me the most, not for the most obvious reasons.

I went to church camp as a kid. We used to sing the Ephesians 4:32 song. I went to church camp in the years I was still being abused. The idea of forgiveness was one of the first things that I remembered learning as a Christian. So, when my abuser, years and thousands of dollars, and after two court cases and a few months of jail time (yes – a few months), told me he was sorry. And I forgave him. I still forgive him. I have to keep forgiving him.

One day, we found ourselves alone, after some pretty crappy shit with my mom had gone down. He knocked on my door, and asked if he could talk with me. It was then that he apologized, made amends with me, told me that he hoped that he did not “screw up” my life. He told me that I was a smart, strong, capable, amazing young woman who he hurt, and he was sorry for what he had done. He admitted to me (after denying to everyone) what he had done. Still brings tears to my eyes. Some days I am mad that he is forgiven, by me and by God. I get where the SNAP people are coming from, for sure. But ahhhhh, the healing power of forgiveness.

I have written and re-written this post now a bunch of times. Adding and deleting. Maybe I need to do some thinking, prayer and further reflections. Later.

Lord, thank you for the gift of forgiveness. For it truly is in giving that we receive. Be with all of your children who have suffered abuse, from priests and others, give them peace that only you can give. Be also with the offenders, the ones who are working on their illnesses, and the ones who aren’t. Grant them wisdom, courage and strength to turn theirs hearts to love, to what is right and good, to healing, to You, Healer and Redeemer of us all. Amen.

ah ha - the friday 5

Its time again, and it seems like the whole world is moving at a speedy pace, even the revgals. Here we go.

Badda Bing Badda Boom Friday FiveIt's been a very full, busy week. Here's the F5, short and sweet. The questions are simple, the answers unlimited. Go!

Who: Jesus

What:
Son of God / Son of Man, healer, teacher, source of joy.

When:
A long long time ago, and yet... (long pause)...today.

Where:
Here (she points to her chest), right here is where Jesus is felt the most. Sometimes, lately, here (she points to her head, the place where you would find her brain). Permanantly resides at the right hand of God.

Why:
I think the why is asking, why Jesus? Right now, I'm thinkin' about him, because in my past, when I was really down, I tried to meditate on his words, life and teachings to help me get unstuck. Its not working yet, but then again, Ive not been at it too long. And I am not exactly a poster child for patience.

Bonus: How

How I see, feel, smell - Jesus. Get with friends. Read some awesome bloggers. Go to worship, have coffee with pastor'ish people, and generally keep an eye our for him. He shows up in the strangest places.

Christ Jesus, in the Gospel you tell us not to dwell on what has wounded us. And your forgiveness becomes a miracle in our lives. (source - Taize, read by me a whole lot.) Amen.

When:
A long long time ago, and yet... (long pause)...today.

Where:
Here (she points to her chest), right here is where Jesus is felt the most. Sometimes, lately, here (she points to her head, the place where you would find her brain). Permanantly resides at the right hand of God.

Why:
I think the why is asking, why Jesus? Right now, I'm thinkin' about him, because in my past, when I was really down, I tried to meditate on his words, life and teachings to help me get unstuck. Its not working yet, but then again, Ive not been at it too long. And I am not exactly a poster child for patience.

Bonus: How

How I see, feel, smell - Jesus. Get with friends. Read some awesome bloggers. Go to worship, have coffee with pastor'ish people, and generally keep an eye our for him. He shows up in the strangest places.

Christ Jesus, in the Gospel you tell us not to dwell on what has wounded us. And your forgiveness becomes a miracle in our lives. (source - Taize, read by me a whole lot.) Amen.

In the morning

Morning prayer, courtesy of Taize.

Friday, 19 January

Jesus, our joy, by remaining in your presence, we realize that the Gospel calls us to give our life. Even if we forget you, your love remains, and you send your Holy Spirit upon us.

From the book:
Peace of Heart in All Things
by Brother Roger of Taizé

I have pasted these words on my computer to meditate on today.

checkin' in

Saying hi to my prayer warriors and friends. I had dinner with my goooooooood girlfriends, the lindas, last night, and that helped my state of the world a bit. My eyes are sore, from crying, yes, but it feels so much deeper than that.

Sore from looking for an answer to everyones question (and mine), are you OK? Aching, periodically welling up, something waiting to come to the surface, don't know what to expect or think.

Thank you God, for loving me. For the promise of good days that have been, and good days to come. Give me a paddle to wade and see through the shit that is now. And for Your sake - can this be over soon? I mean really - there are people a whole hell of a lot worse off than me, so please, in your mercy, surround me with the way out of this. Grant me wisdom to hear, the courage to listen, and the grace and humility to act when it is time. Amen.

ommmmmmmm

If you caught my post earlier today, sorry.

If you are close to me, a friend or coworker, family, be gentle with me. I, for reasons that are totally unclear to me right now, cannot stop crying. OK - that is a bit of an exaggeration. I seem to be crying a lot. Like for hours at a time, uncontrollably. I got a bit of a reprieve for a while today, lunch with a friend and someone I really admire. Well, it was supposed to be lunch, in hindsight it was more like me barfing and she listening and offering some wonderful words and questions.

I left lunch, lighter and feeling like - no prob - I can totally go back to work today. And now...

Darkness has moved in. I have a call for help out to the pro's, and am trying to go easy on myself. My eyes hurt, I hurt. I found a great post through the RGBPs today, that helps me to remember I am not crazy, not alone. Maybe tonight I will go back through some of my posts tagged depression and see if I can gleam any help from them. That - and I think it might be time to see some cry films, and maybe talk to someone again.

Shit I hate this. Really. I know that it is all spiritual and dark and broody, the whole dark night of the soul thing. But really - I am done. I hate it. Do you hear me God? I fucking hate it. I hate not being able to tell anyone what the hell is wrong with me. I hate being embarrassed because I can't stop crying, and have no discernable reason why I am crying. Fuck this, God. Really. Fuck this. I fucking hate that I have to find some way to see through this. I hate feeling like a freak. I hate not being able to be in control - of my emotions, and, well You know what else. Do you HEAR ME? Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer.

For Jon

If you have read me for a while, you may remember a post a while back about Jon. Jon is a missing person, son of David and Linda. The seasons are beginning to turn, and that brings a whole new set of hurt for anyone who is looking for a missing person. It is a heartbreaking time.

When Jon went missing, I sent a note along to the Francis family, letting them know I was with them in prayer and spirit. I have exchanged a few emails back and forth with Linda. Here is the exchange today. Please keep them in your prayers.

Dear Rachel, I know everyone is busy getting ready for convention but if you have time to email back that would be great.  The searchers were out looking for Jon again this past weekend.  They found nothing.  Now we have to face a very, very long winter and spring. Would you share with me some of the information about your mother?  How do we get through the months ahead?  This is so hard.  Peace, Linda Francis

Dear Linda,
Oh how my heart is breaking with you.

I remember those searches like they were yesterday. Long, cold, and hoping beyond all hope. My mom used to have a sign up in her classroom that said “la esperanza muere por ultimo” or hope dies last. These words became for me a double edged sword. I never wanted to give up hope, and don’t think I ever really did, but I had to also find a way to live again. People kept expecting me to be ok – they wanted me to stop grieving or to at least be happy around them.

Grief does not work that way.  

There were days, and sometimes there still are, when I just could not muster the strength to be out in the world among people. The story of your missing loved one becomes ancient history to everyone but you, or so it was for me. There was never a day that my prayer was not something like “God, please, let me just know where she is!” For 6 and a half years this was my prayer. For six and a half years this was the thing that clung to me like the air that I breathed. The thought of my mom was only moments away. We held 3 vigils, had countless searches, and I prayed for her every day.

I am not sure how I got through those times, except to say that I had to let people (the ones who were not out to fix me or did not expect me to be something I wasn’t) take care of me, and I had to be gentle with myself. No matter how much time had passed, I still had to call in to work from time to time and say that I was sick or needed a mental health day. What was even more challenging was that by the time my mom was found, my life, my friends, my job, everything seemed to have changed for me. Very few people were still there for me as they were in the beginning. As time passed, new people came and went in and out of my life, but my hurt never changed.

I am sure this is not the email you were hoping for. I have finally come to peace with the darkness that is and was what happened. I am forever changed, forever the family member of a missing person. Yes, my mom was found. She was found in what I call “God’s time, not mine.” And believe it or not – I consider it to be a blessing. God is so much bigger and can see so much farther than you or I can. I am not sure how the story will continue to unfold, yours and mine both. What I do know is the God loves you so radically, so abundantly, that miracles will cross your path, now and later. I think what happened for me was that the pain was so present – that I became so sensitive to my own feelings, my own inner voice, that the space between me and God became like a thin veil. In becoming sensitive to the pain, I also became aware of the blessings.

Your skin and heart is raw right now. Be there. Be in that place fully. Do not let anyone tell you how you need to grieve. No one but you understands fully the landscape of hurt, so take it in. Pray. Yell. Cry. Be.

God of miracles and mercy, thank you for not holding all those years of swearing and yelling and crying out in anger at you, against me. Thank you for being with the Francis family - for really walking this journey with them. God, give them peace and patience, and a loving community to walk these next few months or however long it will take. In your name, in your time. Amen.

back in the saddle

Well, it's Friday, and the sun is begining to peek out through the clouds. The last few nights I have been just pushing through, knowing that I had plans that I did not want to back out on, but did not have the emotional stamina to make it through alone. I used to just bail out, shut the world out, and curl up in bed and sleep the pain away. Oh and eat alot before going to bed. Hence my crappy feeling of body image, which I am still trying to shake.

It seems I am turning a new corner in how to deal. The night before last we went to see friends that used to be our neighbors and are one of our favorite couples to be around. At some point, sitting on their porch, C said "it's so nice to have friends like you" or something like that. Karen and I have this habit of letting everyone know in the middle of having fun, that we are having fun, instead of thinking or making note of it at some later point. It was so nice to be in the presence of two people we love, and get showered with that same love right back. And, I had a meltdown on the way over to their house, walked in, and knew that if I needed to, a meltdown would have been just fine right there with them.

Then last night, we had a lovely cup of tea with another set of our favorite friends, "the lindas." M,C, and E met us at the Birchwood. M's life is being turned upside down with a very exciting film project, C got some good full time work, in her field, with health benefits and stable good income. E, I didn't get to hear from as much, except one moment where she turned to me and said that she and I were in the same sort of place. Shit, I gotta get to know her better, cause she is just so wonderful. A few months back, this circle of people became a circle of trust. I look forward to sitting with them again.

I remarked last night that I think I have just not spent enough time with people who know me. I have been running from thing to thing, trying to juggle and balance, all the while giving my soul away to people who don't know me, and are moving too fast to try and stop so we can find a place to rest and talk and find our common voice / common language.

Today and over the past few days, I have found God in my friends. They collectively might think I am nuts for saying so. They have been the cool wet towel (that smells like vinegar) on my red hot sunburn. My healers, my listeners, my salve for broken skin. My thin skin is on the mend. Time to listen to Melissa Etheridge sing all about it.

so cliche, so laim, so...

it's here. That pesky thing that messes with my emotions and way of being every single month. Why do I wonder? Ugh.

Square pegs and petunia patches

Lately, it seems like I am speaking in a foreign language that noone understands. Today, a friend and someone I deeply respect, has told me that I am a "negative dumper" and "negative and shut down."

I know that my friends C&M have felt this with me before too. I guess it is the language of depression. I get to feeling alone, left out, isolated, and all around empty. I have been keeping close watch on my moods and emotions enough to see that I am back in full bummer swing again. I don't know how to say what I mean, I don't know how to say I love - it just comes out all garblty-goo.
I wish I had time to stop and figure out a way out of this cycle. I don't even know how I get here - I only know it when it has arrived.

"Of all the saddest words That I have ever heard
The saddest is the story
Told me by a bird
He had spent about and hour
Chatting with a flower
and here ís the tale the flower told

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch and all I do is cry all day
Boo hoo, boo hoo

Monday, again?!?!

What a weekend! What a ride!
Friday was dinner with my boss, Karen, and  good couple friends, Ericka and Steph. We laughed and cooked and laughed some more until nearly midnight. The recipe we made was a veg lasagne and holy was it good. We subbed out 1/2 of the red sauce for an alfredo sauce (great sugestion by our friend Petey at Jakeeno's in our old 'hood) and it was delightful.
Saturday was a day from heaven. Sleep in, have coffee on the front porch with my love and my good friend RC. Ate some leftovers and went on a day journey, which ended up being into Stillwater, MN. It's a fantastic river town, beautiful and packed on Saturday. But, we walked around, shopped a bit and then I got my tattoo fixed (ala my friend Jon Lam, who let me know that my tattoo I got years ago didn't say Jesus, it just said Je. so wierd) Here is the image that is now on my upper back/neck.
I got this tattoo originally as a going away present when I left working for the Bryant Lake Bowl and going into ministry. Great gift. I still miss that job sometimes. Best one I ever had I think.
Anyway - then we went on to dinner at some friends of ours restaurant, Cesares. If you live in MN, you MUST go. It is owned by two of the nicest and hardest working people I know, and the wine list is hands down the best anywhere. Oh - and did I mention the cheese?

More about the weekend later.... So I guess this is part one. Jon Francis of Stillwater is still missing. Here is another article link. Thank you for the prayers for him and his family. The next posting will go a little further into how this event has filtered into my dreams and psyche. Sleeping and waking has been tough.