The Swandive

Ireland::the third

So we met, Ken and I, everything turned upside down, fast. And so it went, my dreaming of what it would be like to be married to an Irishman. It was a hot and heavy love affair, my family met him and we all fell in love. Head over heels. He proposed, giving me a ring my sister fashioned for us both. It was a huge fairytale world I was living in.

And aren't those are always the ones that hurt the worst when they come crashing down. And it did, crash. Heartbroken. This would all happen just 8 months before my mom would leave - 10 years ago next week. Wow, wowwowowwow. Its a little heartbreaking and surreal just typing that. Pondering that.

So the breakup happened and like any good breakup in your dramatic mid to late twenties, I listened to breakup music, was self deprecating, drank WAY too much (Guinness and whiskey of course), lost a ton of weight, had a rebound relationship (which I would come to repent of and repair later) and generally spun out of control. Then mom left. The pain, the deep fat valley of pain seemed beyond what I could ever live through. Sometimes I just sit back and marvel and how I got through, who was there to help me get through, and the sheer awesome-ness of God who I swear was cheering me on while I was cursing at Her/Him.

It was a bit after St. Patty's Day in 1999, still in a stupor, that the next Irish boy would come along and make my heart believe and dream, would drink with me, and hold me tight in my most crazy dark tear filled confused nights. He was a Monahan (we think the family dropped the 'g' coming through, County Monaghan, Ireland). And he loved me somethin' awful.

(tbc)

Ireland::part II

Have you ever met someone and know that it was not the first time you have met them? Or have you ever met someone and described them as being a new soul, or an old soul? Like somehow you know that they have been around the block lifetimes more than other people? Or they are just out the gate in this thing we call life?

This was what it was like meeting Ken.

From the moment we sat down at the bar and my sister introduced us, I felt like I was sitting with my long lost best friend. We laughed and drank, good craic, till bar close. Then we went back to their hotel (the band and crew) and stayed up till 6 in the morning drinking and laughing and wondering how it was that we felt like we had know each other FOR-EVER. They left a mere few hours later for Australia. Gone, poof. In and out like a flash.

Driving away that morning I felt like a piece of me had 1) woken up after a long winters slumber 2) I had laughed like never before 3) come home. Like a piece of me was revealed in spending time with people who felt like my tribe. It was more than the accents and the language, it was like I was with my family, he/they - got me.

So, this was back in the early days of email (for me, I realize some of you who are reading this have been on email since the computer was invented). I had JUST opened up my first email account, and so we exchanged email and I gave him my phone number. For the next 6 months or so we exchanged email, and I think I played the soundtrack to the show about ohhhhh.... 8,000 times. I had never had such a visceral reaction to music before.

 

Well, little did I know, there was a whole world of traditional Irish music, new age-y Clannad and Altan and Enya, and Mary Black and so many others for me to explore. And so it went. Music, music was my first knowing and loving of Ireland. It came, showed up, and then like many things drifted into my background again, but still very much there. The emails became further and futher apart, and then stopped without fanfare. You know, la la la la life goes on. It would not be for another year and a half or so that I would have another spark, another jolt.

Unassuming, the phone rang. My sister, my partner at the time and I were in the kitchen, making dinner and it rang. I grabbed it and on the other line (I can still remember this, as if it happened yesterday, which is strange considering I almost never remember anything with such clarity) was a voice saying "Ahh, halo? Is Rachel home?" I said that it was me, and he said "Heeeyyyyy, this is Ken, from Ireland, Riverdance, how are ye?"

Snapshot of my innerds from that moment may have looked like what the big bang or hiroshima or something spectacular looked like. He was calling to let me know he would be in town next week, for a few weeks. He wondered if I would meet him for a drink when he got there.
(tbc...)

Ireland::my love affair part 1

I love my friend Mindy, she always asks great questions. In my last post she asked "When did your love affair with Ireland begin?" So I thought I would take a few posts to reflect on my favorite place in the whole world, my favorite vacation and the land that I am quite sure I have lived before.

I feel like Ireland has always been inside of me. I can't remember a time when the music or images or people have not left me somehow -- breathless. But if I had to peg it down to one time it would be in 1996. That was the year I first saw (get ready for the cheese moment, and please don't judge)...

Riverdance. I still hear the soundtrack and am taken back to that time, those people, those first few hours of feeling home with something and someone I had never met in this lifetime, but had known for my whole life before that time.

I was working at the State and Orpheum Theaters and the little pub next door MacKenzie. My sister was working at the pub, a lot more than I was. I had tickets for the last night of the show Riverdance. My sister and I went to the show, ran over to Mack for intermission, and then after the show to meet the crew and orchestra folks that my sister could not wait for me to meet. She had become friends with many of them.

Working at MacKenzie really has been and was one of the greatest gigs of my life. Being right next door to the Orpheum, and sharing the backstage area parking lot meant I have met a lot of really cool people in my time. I even was kissed by Michael Nouri once. But I digress...

So the thing about working at MacKenzie is that you meet a lot of people that are in town for a few days or weeks and then gone. And that night, the last night of the show, I met Ken.

(to be continued...)

this is where my heart is today

ireland - On the road
Originally uploaded by swandive71

In Ireland.
No sandy beach in the warm southern climate. No hot tropical dreaming for me today. This place.

Where are you off to in your mind today?

damn you facebook

You have gone and stole my muse.

Where is she? I know you have her somewhere. I mean, really. Its so hard to blog without her. I promise, no more stupid applications, no more time sucking, just let me have her back on my shoulder please. I miss her.

Yours truly.

a few lessons from the big screen

I saw Slumdog Millionaire this past weekend, and have been contemplating it ever since. A stunning masterpiece of a film, my new favorite for best picture (yes, even over MILK which I adore), I can't shake some of the images and bits of wisdom. I will see it again, but really wanted to get a few things down before I lose them.

1. Sometimes you literally have to dive head long into the shit (and OWN it) to get at what you are after.
2. The nice guy often does finish last. But what is last—really—in the kingdom sense?
3. Being last does not mean worst. Let the story unfold. Don't judge the moment, the minute, the week, day, month or year.
4. There really is something to be said for single-minded focus, determination, gumption and just plain heart.
5. Beauty is everywhere, especially where we perceive it is not or could not be. Look there for it.

Have you seen it?
What do you think? What would you add to the list?

what will come

Yeah, I did it. I looked back at last years post to see how I did on my "resolutions" or intentions.
*ugh*
I am not sure why we do this. Its not as if January, in the dead of winter is a good time to resolve anything. I always find myself most hopeful, most ambitious in the spring. Spring solstice (March 21st, my mom's birthday) has always felt like a much better time. But here I am, on January 1st of the New Year wondering, pondering what will 2009 bring? What are my intentions for the year ahead?

Main Entry:  in·ten·tion

Pronunciation:  \in-ˈten(t)-shən\

Function:  noun

Date:  14th century

1: a determination to act in a certain way : resolve 2: import , significance 3 a: what one intends to do or bring about b: the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered 4: a process or manner of healing of incised wounds 5: concept ; especially : a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge 6 plural : purpose with respect to marriage.

For the last 3 years our NYE tradition has been to drink cheap bubbly with good friends in our hot tub in the back yard. Last night was no exception. With new friends we let the steam and intentions and dreams and hopes rise into the cold night air. The questions are always two-fold: What are your intentions for the new year, and best moments/events/time of the year past.

When I look at the definition above, the definition that strikes me is #4, a process or manner of healing incised wounds. My intention this year is healing. I am ready, and maybe this time, this year, the rest of me is ready too. I have an amazing life: I have a wonderful partner that I adore who takes amazing care of me, I have a lovely home often filled with friends, I love the work that I do, I have wonderful friends and acquaintances. On the outside, everything is ready.

What seems like forever and a year now, I have made a choice. I have chosen to take care of others (former partners, family, work) rather than or instead of taking care or paying attention to myself. I would not change a thing and think that my choices have absolutely been the right ones. But choices, no matter what, always lead to results or outcomes of that choice. The outcome for me has been that now, all at once, my body feels safe enough to let it all go and fall apart. The good news is that I have the surroundings and environment to really make a difference. I am set up for success. And I have tons of new people and experiences (as well as learning new things from good old friends) showing up to help me along the way. The long and short of it all is that I have hope, and faith, and love. And with those three things, I am told anything is possible.

Happy New Year all. Thanks for being along for the ride.