The Swandive

my relationship to stuff

I believe that nothing, nothing in this world is an accident or coincidence. I believe it is all energy and ideas that we have asked for, consciously or unconsciously. This has been a really tough concept for me to fully embrace over the years, and I am not sure it fully explains some of the real dark shit that I have experienced (loss of ma, rape, sexual abuse). But at this stage in my life it is making more and more sense to me, that I am connected to all things, all beings, all ideas, to God and to others though energy. Mitakuye Oyasin (all are my relations).

So what do you do when a topic, or theme or an idea just keeps coming up over and over and over again? Stop ignoring it, and figure out what idea, concept or new thing it is that you are supposed to be paying attention to. So, the thing that keeps nudging at me lately?

STUFF.

It started a while ago, but the place that I can really pinpoint is two weeks ago, spending time with my friend who works for ERD. I sat in on his seminar called "How to act locally and think globally." He showed a clip of The Story of Stuff. (Another friend had emailed it to me a while ago, but I didn't think I had time to watch it, and eventually forgot about it.) Wow. It has really started me to thinking, and not just thinking, but has really challenged my behavior.

Accumulation, things, junk, knicks and knacks, wants perceived at one time as a need. There is this pull, this desire for new stuff that keeps popping up: like a shiney perfect iPhone and/or MacBook. Like a new Scion just like the one that our good friends S&C have, or maybe a Yaris or SmartCar or Jetta Wagon. I look at my 'old stuff' and then am somehow triggered to look around and compare myself and my stuff. The TV and billboards show me how much more awesome my life could be with a phone that is a computer is my music library. My neighbors and friends are getting hybrids and cars with iPod capabilities. Everywhere I look (seemingly) there are little hints and reminders that I am not moving at the pace of technology, or am just not keeping up. My appliances are not "green" and if I got this whizbang thing, I could be more efficient, and discover the gift that we all want more of, time.

There is a tension in my life friends, and it keeps popping up all over. So, I am delving into this topic for a while. Gonna spend some time wrestling with it here on the blog. There are a number of articles, quotes, books and blogs that are inspiring my thinking (and behavior) on this. I hope you'll stay tuned for a while, join in the conversation. 

Fabulous 5 Meme

Its about time, its been a while.

I am all about this fabulous meme from C at Closeted Pastor. (And as long as I can, I could not let it go by that I love her blog, her readers and this community of bloggers that she has, so good.)

So its time for my first meme in a while. You too? Here we go.

What were you doing five years ago?

1. I was just beginning my work / ministry in the Episcopal Church. Wow. What a difference 5 years makes.
2. I was making art, living in Lowertown Lofts, an artist cooperative.
3. I was driving a VW Passat wagon - so awesome.
4. I was still the daughter of a missing person.
5. Trying to convince my former partner that I loved her. It was a battle I don't think I ever won.

What are five things on your to-do list for today (not in any particular order)?
1. Deconstruct and file and make sense of the piles on my desk.
2. Talk to my supervisor about whats next.
3. Grocery shop (which is a delightful task for me and sweetie).
4. Take a walk after we get home, before dinner.
5. Let a woman drill and prick and poke in my mouth (aaaarrrhhhgg!), *inhale*... and release. I love the dentist.

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. Celery with PB.
2. Cheese sticks.
3. A fresh, ripe, sweet juicy nectarine. (or sub the perfect fruit in season)
4. Granola, yogurt and fruit.
5. Toast, undercooked a bit with a light schmear of PB or cream cheese with strawberry jam.

What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
(not in any order, and this list really should be top ten, but I will try to squeeze 5)
1. I would gift some (church) ministries that I care deeply about. They would be Missio Dei, A House for All Sinners and Saints, St. John's Episcopal Church, Solomons Porch, House of Mercy, Mercy Seat and Mount Olive Lutheran Church. And I would seed the church that is hoping to be birthed out of my own Diocese. It has no name yet. Wow, I am a huge church nerd.

2. Family, gift them all. Especially the little ones.

3. Gift some queer focused places with some money, like District 202, Quatrafoil Library, OutFront MN and the Pride Parade people - we have some great local queer advocators doing great work here in my hometown.

4. Do something really selfish like buy a second home / guest home in Ireland, specifically somewhere between Sligo and Galway, and of course spend a good deal of time shopping for just the right place while I am there.

5. Hire a really really really smart money consultant to help sweetie and I be smart, invest and give well.

What are five of your bad habits?
1. I don't exercise enough. Or, at all. But I am starting.
2. I love pastry. And cheese. And pastry WITH cheese.
3. I am a picker. This is the habit that drives sweetie nuts. And yes I know its gross.
4. Too much time online. 
5. Really slow to write thank you notes. 

What are five places where you have lived?
1. St. Thomas, USVI

2. Minneapolis MN

3. San Antonio Texas

4. Kansas City, MO (sadly not KCK)

5. River Falls, WI

What are five jobs you've had?
1. I was Chuck E. Cheese. Really.
2. Super Nanny.
3. Stewardess for a 93 foot tallship.
4. Bartender.
5. Youth minister to the coolest Jr. High kids ever.

If you can read this, you are officially tagged.

evolution through vacation

Friends of mine are starting this venture together, e>v or evolution through vacation. I am no expert on this venture, but I think its about finding joy, purpose, love, inspiration through 'travel' or vacation. The site is not live yet, and I miss my friends terribly and am dying to ask more, learn more about the concept, but for now this was the main thought (that this weekend was all about evolution through vacation) that popped into my head when thinking about jotting some thoughts down about my weekend.

RC and Angie are now officially wedded, a living example of love and joy in the world. They were married in Seattle this past weekend and sweetie and I were there for the series of events.
Highlights in a stream of consciousness that I would HIGHLY recommend to all:

• Mt. Rainer, whether experienced in shitty weather or nice, is beautiful and fun.
• Fear and anxiety is dumb. Set it down and get out of the way. When you let go and just release yourself to whatever the flow of the river is doing you can bet that laughter and lightness is just around the bend.
• Weddings are fascinating, messy and beautiful.
• Don't forget to stop along the road when you see something interesting catch your eye, even if it is chainsaw "art."
• Relationships are best experienced in person (if and when at all possible).
• I will not die if I can't check email, facebook, or be online. It only means I will have a lot of email when I go back online. And sometimes a lot of email actually is good.
• If you expect great things, great things can happen.
• Hospitality is a gift. Not everyone has it, when someone does have it, and offers it, it is one of the best gifts you could ever receive. Likewise - it is a good gift to offer.
• Annoyances and irritation is a good opportunity for joking and laughter. Get over being annoyed and laugh.
• When speaking or reading to a large group, you can never go to slowly.

So thats what I have in my brain so far. It was a wonderful trip. I went to my first bachelor party, ate some wonderful salmon and lake trout, acquired the cutest new purse from Pike's Market, reconnected with good friends, met some new friends, smelled fresh mountain air, toasted my dear friend, and generally feel like I have experienced 'evolution through vacation' and it feels so good.

words, schmerds.

Its like my little fingers are tongue tied, a bit of blog freight maybe. I can't imagine why this is, I guess everyone ebbs and flows right?

When I was little, I was horribly afraid of the boogyman beneath my bed. Terrified. I used to lay in bed awake at night, and swear I could feel the bed moving, or hear the shifting of something beneath my bed. I would lay there, and open my mouth, press the air out, try to call my mom, but I was paralyzed. I would try and try and try, and no sound would come out. Just little air squeeks, that I think only I could hear. It was not even loud enough to disturb the boogyman.

Fear is such a horribly debilitating thing. It stunts growth, it stops rational thinking, it like a big steel door that stands between here and there. I long for 'there' but somehow lack the chutzbah, faith, drive. Fear gets in the way.

Do you ever wonder who you could be, the full potential of you, if you could just let go of your fears and really live? I do.

God, help. Get me out my head, into my heart, to the place where I can hear you say "Do not fear, only believe."

(I once posted this, and attributed it wrongly apparently, but I still love the quote)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

          Marianne Williamson

(deep breath)... and ... ahhhhhh.

Vacation starts today.

I have not had a vacation / time off since Christmas, and before that, since last May. This is not complaining, its just really more of an observation. Its time. I actually wrote an email to a coworker after leaving the office on Friday, saying I was sorry. My attitude has been less positive, I feel like February - May has been like WW3. I am tired, and I need some rest. So that is what I am hoping for a bit of this week. Here's to hoping.

I have about a billion things to say - and right now they are all on strike, vowing not to speak up until I get some rest. So - off to resting. More soon friends. (inhale)..... zzzzzz....

Friday 5 - The Travel Edition

Songbird offers up an awesome 5 this week, partly awesome because of the map image (of my hometown, because of a huge gathering, the Festival of Homiletics coming to town next week), and partly because of the topic - TRAVEL. Brilliant. So, let's get started. She says:

Friday Five: Grand Tour

One of our original ring members, jo(e), wrote yesterday about a trip she and her sisters are taking overseas with their parents, to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Many other RevGals are headed for the Festival of Homiletics in the coming week (click here for information on a RevGals meetup!!). In honor of these upcoming trips, herewith your Grand Tour Friday Five.

Name five places that fall into the following categories:

1) Favorite Destination -- someplace you've visited once or often and would gladly go again

Ireland. Over and over and over, I just can't get enough. Its the kind of place you need to see slowly, take in all the smells, the people, the Guinness. When you drive, you should take the coast route, but then drive inward too, away from the coast. Ah.... time to go again.

2) Unfavorite Destination -- someplace you wish you had never been (and why)

I don't know, I mostly have fun anywhere I go. But if I had to name a place, I think it would be (gasp, I know) Vegas. Yes, I said it, Las Vegas. It is the most shiney and most depressing place I have been all at once. The one thing I remember the most was when I walked through the turnstyle into the lobby (in old Las Vegas, The Golden Nugget) was it was like 30 old ladies had just exhaled their Virginia Slim cigarette right into the doorway. It was too smokey even for me, a smoker at the time. The whole place smelled like sadness to me.

3) Fantasy Destination -- someplace to visit if cost and/or time did not matter

I would spend 4-6 months, in and around San Miguel de Allende and all around Mexico. I would visit the home of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and learn Spanish fluently. I was shop for and buy art all day and eat with lovely people at night. I would head out to the coast, and spend some quality time on a beach and catch up on some overdue reading.

4) Fictional Destination -- someplace from a book or movie or other art or media form you would love to visit, although it exists only in imagination

Never-never land.

5) Funny Destination -- the funniest place name you've ever visited or want to visit

I can't think of one place. Maybe its because I am doing this before 7 am, could be the lack of coffee. I look forward to reading all the other revgals answers on this one.

So that's it. Hey RevGals - If you are coming to Minneapolis, and would like some suggestions of places to go that are AWESOME and places you won't find in any guidebook or suggested places to go - please drop me a line. I would love to offer some of my favorite spots. Please leave me a comment or email me.

another quick one...

NatalieDee.
So Awesome. So Me.

Time flies, no matter what.

Check in, real quick like. How are you? YOU, yeah you. How are you?

I feel like an ass not keeping up with my bloggy friends, you can only imagine what that means in my day to day life. May is here, and whoooo Eeeee. List of to do's and been done's comin' at cha' real quick like.

1. First, smoke free, for two weeks and two days. My quit smoking counter tells me it has been 2 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes. But whos counting. Yeah - that's right - I AM. Cause its hard.
2. Hosted 2 tables with my beloved for my favorite organization this morning, and I think it went well. Glad its done, but feel great about it and will most likely do it again next year. Rock on Aeon.
3. Got through Mothers Day.
4. Went to church on Mother's Day and there was NO mention of the "holiday", heard the PB of the ELCA preach, and it was delightful.
5. Headed to Syracuse NY this weekend, for the Episcopal Church (Young Adult Ministries) and I could just almost die I am so thrilled to do it. Prayers for this presentation and adventure would be welcome.
6. Got my swap gift from my swap partner - and it rocked. Need to get on the thank you, but this is the start. It was an ode to my dreaming of having my own pub/bar someday. Fun dreaming again.
7. Plans are in place to fix the dishwasher, get a new roof, purchase our butt reducer (the amazing eliptical), fix the hot tub, and the trees have been trimmed.

I have read and heard some really awesome, inspiring stories. And, by some miracle and/or act of God, I have a smile on my face, and feel good.

How are you?

Marking Time

The world is swirling with energy and coincidence (if you believe in coincidences).

3 years ago today, my phone rang. It was my dad calling to tell me that it had not yet been confirmed, but stay close to the phone, "they're pretty sure its your mom." It was.

Today begins Lemuria, the feast day of the ancient Romans, who each year beginning on this day, would throw around black beans and exorcise their dead family and loved ones. Check out the facinating wiki about it here.

Three years ago, I began a process of deep shift, from daughter of a missing person to daughter of Anne White (Chaffee, Swan), deceased.

I mentioned the song "If You Want Me" sung by Marketa Irglova along with her band The Swell Season the other day. She sings it in the movie 'Once' in a stunning little scene. Check the scene out from my post 2 days ago. I mentioned that I have been listening to the lyrics, and they have been hitting me, just... so. I think its the soul in her voice, and after seeing them the other night, there is just something about them. I hear something, beyond, from beyond. Listen.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
for it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore

I have a picture of my mom up at my cube, I don't know what I would do if we did not have pictures, and if I did not have little notes from her, to look at her handwriting. Its funny, I can hear her voice still, just by looking at her handwriting. Sometimes I wonder... if she visits me. Some days she feels closer than ever. But its like I don't speak her language anymore, and I wish I did. Open me Lord, give me the gift of tongues, if only to speak her language, so I can tell her how much I miss her.

When I get really lonely
and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling
with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

When I get lonely, I still think of her first. I felt as a kid, no matter what happened to me, all I had to do was think of my mom, call her, and I knew I was not alone. It has been hard getting used to the silence of our distance.

Are you really sure that you’d believe me
when others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
when you know I really try
to be a better one to satisfy you
For your everything to me
and I’ll do what you ask me
if you’ll let me be, free

My relationship with my mom had a big fat owee in the middle of it. It was her husband. These first two lines, make me think of when I told her what had happened to me. In cases of abuse - so often it comes down to 'he said - she said', and asking her to believe me, to stand by me, was really hard. For her, and for me. I knew she always stood by me in her heart, but she also had to make some very difficult and what I believe to be ill equipped choices in her life.

When she was out of it sometimes, she would question me. Question what happened to me by her husband. I knew it wasn't her speaking, it was the alcohol. But in some of those moments, the anger of all that happened to me, to her, by him, by her family - all got swirled up, messed up, and even sometimes was pointed right at me. Do you believe me mom? I only wanted to make you and your life better, to satisfy that place that was so deeply mis-loved. I would have done whatever you asked - so that we both could be free. Can I be free now mom? Can I let go, and just know that you are here, and we are not working any of our shit out anymore? Can you show me that you are free, in peace. Help me to hear you today, I pray.

Mothers Day, Pentecost, Lemuria, anniversary. Bless it Lord, in your mercy.

Swell

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to see a show, The Swell Season (the 'Once' band). *guh* See a show. Ha! I experienced it. Like the best oatmeal that your ma made for you, on a cold winter morning, sticking and carrying you through the day.

I have seen a great deal of shows in my day, I used to work for the State and Orpheum Theatres. A LOT of shows I have seen. I was telling sweetie last night, as I was debating going to hang out at MacKenzie's deck (the bar that is ajoining the Orpheums stage door) to hang out and maybe meet or talk to the band, that this was in my top 10 for sure fave shows of all time.

I totally chicken'd out, didn't go to Mac's, and have spent the last 12 hours just hearing the songs and stories from the show over and over again, in my dreams and waking. My dreams had me hanging with everyone who I know or have known that are remotely Irish. Through the dreams and then sitting with what I can remember in my waking, I feel like the music has healed hurts of former relationships, and has left me with a gaping hole of love and light and open. I want to drive to Milwaukee and see them again tonight.

I could gush and gush and gush, which would be really boring for you. But if this band is coming to a town near you - GO. This show makes my Top 5. Maybe 3.

What are your Top 5 shows of all time? Theater, music, whatever. What art have you seen that is still with you and your heart and soul today? Comment or post on your blog and let me know.