The Swandive

what me? obsessed?

What would I do without all of you cheering me on? Light up maybe? I would hope not, but your help is totally wonderful. THANK YOU! (That is me shouting from the blog-tops, and I still refuse to use more than one exclamation point, cause that is just overkill people. I digress. ) I know once I get a few more days under my belt, I will be much more productive at work, which I am sure they will all appreciate. I can't imagine working with my flutter-brain right now. Ah the Lutherans and their grace. Sometimes its just so, well, gracious. And I need it let me tell you.

Anyway, so far the stuff that is helping is:

• Take it 10 minutes at a time
• Remember people are cheering you on
• Drink water
• Get my (fat) ass to the gym and workout the anxiety and frustration
• go easy on yourself (that's that grace thing)
• notes and pokes and cheers
• prayer

That's right. I said prayer. Can I get an amen?

p.s. notice the little tracker thing in my left sidebar. It will remain there so we can all remember together how many glorious days its been since my last smoke.

Prayer as an experiment

Wow, that sounds really awful doesn't it, prayer as an experiment? If I were you, I might take one look at this post and wonder how I can call myself a person of faith, more specifically a Christian.

Time for some truth telling.

First let me start by saying I believe in the power of prayer for all sorts of things. I say this because I think my early prayer life was tainted, jaded in a way. The first 'church' I ever went to was when I was 11 or so. I went with my next door neighbor friend. The church she belonged to might be called a charismatic Christian church, the uber-evangelical kind. There was falling over by being whopped upside the head with a dose of the Holy Ghost, speaking in tongues, and a fair amount of holy twitching. When we were being taught how to pray in tongues was the first time I really felt like prayer was a sham.

On and off through my whole life, I have wondered and sometimes doubted whether my prayers could be heard or if they were 'working'. I would not call myself a doubting Thomas, needing to see proof after each petition, but I have often wondered if I do it right, or if it makes a difference. I have petitioned for prayers from others. Typically during difficult times.

Why, if I am not sure if it works, do I keep going back, keep trying, keep asking people for something I am not sure of? Although I doubt, a lot, on some deep level, some unknown part of me, I believe in prayer. I totally buy what Jesus was sellin' when he said ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.

So all this is to say, right now is one of those times. No mush and gush, I am not dying, well not really. You see, I think, I hope that TODAY is day ONE of not smoking. For those of you who have quit before, you KNOW, this is no easy task. I need all the help I can get. So for reals, I ask your prayers and other ways that you would talk to the Holy Mystery on my behalf.

You see, I believe in the power of prayer. I do. But right now, I am asking to see the scars on Jesus hands and feet and the pierced side. I am doubting Thomas for today. Some might read these words and wonder if I am testing God. I am not. I just know that this is really freakin' hard.

Come Holy Helper. I want this. Bad. Help. Please give me strength and courage to be a new creation. Help me to believe I can do this. And thanks for loving me through my doubt, for showing up, even and especially when I doubt. Amen.

Silent in my heart

My baby sister teaches high school across the country from where I live. I only get to see her now once or twice a year. I wish she lived closer, I miss her terribly.

I got an email from my sis yesterday, saying simply

"I wish I could be silent for you and [sweetie] tomorrow…. I have to teach. I will be silent for you in my heart."

Being a gay person who comes from a family and community filled of love and acceptance, today I will join my sister in the day of silence, in my heart. I do not take for granted one second this gift that I have.

God of wonder and love, I pray for those whom you have made in your image that are persecuted and bashed for identifying as GLB or T. Let me be a witness to your unconditional, unfailing love. Be with those whose silence is a way of life and is truly a struggle. Bring them peace and courage to be the children of love and light that you have made them to be. Thank you for the gift of diversity: of gifts, of languages, cultures, races. Help us to see this as a gift that allows us to be a part of the whole.

shitshitshit

I could cry.
I know I should not care, and some of you may think less of me after this post. Whatever, I can say it. I like American Idol. Actually, for the most part, I love it. I don't know why, other than the singing.

But tonight - I can honestly say I care significantly less. My beloved Irish girl, Carly, the tattooed songstress, beautiful person, beautiful voice and my Idol choice since the start, has been eliminated.

Ugh.

I call you friend

I've been getting emails lately, letting me know that someone or other has confirmed that we were indeed connected or friends through LinkedIn or Facebook (I have not tried the twitter, reunion or really delved into the myspace - by putting a 'the' in front of these does that make me sound really old?). Each time I get an email, I can't lie, I smile. Huge really. Sometimes from a memory that I have shared with the person, sometimes we have no memories, only an online relationship, but the smile still beams in.

Which has led me to ponder what it means to be 'friends' with someone.

While Sweetie was out of town last week, I got an email from someone who I hold utter-ly (that's for you M) dear to me. She invited me to call her, on the phone, if I needed to talk. I was immediately stunned by her invitation, and upon further reflection wondered why? Why would I be so taken aback by a friend telling me it was ok to call her? Well, I've never met my friend in 'real' life. Only through emails and posts and blogging and her awesome swaps. I have never spoken with her, heard her voice, seen her smile, been hugged or touched or winked at by her (other than on facebook). Does it lessen my love for her - no. But it has made me think again and again about this new world of relationships we build.

I got friended by someone I have never met before on Facebook the other day. He's friends with 'friends'/acquaintances that I have. I checked out his page, read some posts from his blog, didn't comment, and thought YES! I would love to be friends with this guy. He is smart, doing really cool stuff with his life, and the connections we have are through people I admire. Is he a friend, no. Not even an acquaintance. But maybe we will be? Maybe!

Another note the other day from a former co-worker. Lately, this group (former co-workers) has been the most difficult for me to wade in my emotions with. So my friend gave me some wise words that I think are really helping this ol' born under the sign of cancer hanger-on-er that I can be. She said to me "Remember, many of us are friends by circumstance. It doesn't mean we are any less friends - just a different sort who can pick up where we left off with joy when our paths cross."

So some friends are just friends for a while, because we share an office, or workspace, or we ride in the elevator at the same time every day. When I first read these words, my insides screamed. I wanted to yell "NO! You are my Friend, with a capitol F, not a lowercase, sometimes when the situation is right, cause I happen to be in close proximity to you." But, I knew and know, that she is right. Some friends, relationships, are just that. Situational, fleeting, have beginnings and endings. *ugh*

Another former co-worker. I asked him to be connected to me through LinkedIn. He accepted and sent me an email. We don't connect very often, but when we do, the response is so similar each time. "I was JUST thinking about you, mentioning you to so and so." He told me this time that he is attending a wonderful church where he lives, and was at church one Sunday, and thought of me. Here is the sermon that made him think of me. It is 25 minutes long, just to warn you. But it is the best 25 minutes I have spent in a long time. Please, listen. (if the link doesn't work go here, and click on the sermon from April 13th, called "I Call You Friends.")

When you do, my friends (and I use this term wide and broad: for my not yet friends, for my oh so distant friends, for my up close and personal friends, and for the friends from San Fran to London, from Vancouver to Texas. For the ones who know me so well, and for the ones whom I lurk and comment with), this ones for you.

half of me

Sweetie is out of town. So with my muse gone, my cleverness dwindles. A few thoughts from the last few days:

1. I went to church tonight. I wish sweetie could have been there. There is this part in the worship service, right after the words of institution (the part where they talk about Jesus with his friends on the night when he was betrayed, and he took bread and all the rest...) and before everyone gets in line to receive the body and blood, the Holy food and drink, the Jesus snack as-it-were, where the person presiding (pastor, priest, etc) says something like 'the Gifts of God for the people of God." She (sweetie) asserts that there should be some sort of response, like 'Amen!' or 'thanks be to God' or 'right on!' Well tonight, it happened. When I said in response "thanks be to God", I smiled. And missed her.
2. Thanks to all who have held me in prayer (as requested). God is good.
3. I eat like hell when my sweetie is gone. Not always junk food, but questionable leftovers, restaurants, and a lot of tea (because making a whole pot of coffee is just lost on me, and I can't seem to make 4 cups in my coffee maker AND have it taste like anything but brown crap water).
4. I still LOVE my job. Sure, its stressful sometimes, and it does challenge me, but the people - they are GOOD. They are kind and lovely. I ate lunch with the Archbishop of the Lutheran Church of Christ in Nigeria and the Presiding Bishop of the ELCA. For reals. And it was lovely and quite normal.
5. I went for a walk today, cause the weather went crazy gorgeous all the sudden this afternoon. I looked ridiculous. It felt wonderful.
6. Before the walk, I tried jump roping. Wow. Someone needs a better over the shoulder boulder holder before they start gettin' physical (physical, I wanna get physical....). I forgot how hard jump roping can be!
7. Tomorrow I'll start some new medication. Last time I took it my dreams were bizarre and vivid. I might have some good dream stories soon.

24 - The Friday 5 Edition

Just a quick go at the F5, before I am off at a conference for today and tomorrow.

Friday Five:  For Just 24 Hours...

RevHRod gives us this....

Yesterday I had the 24 hour flu. I had been told by the people who had it first that it really was a twenty-four hour bug. And so while I dealt with all the blech of the flu, I kept reminding myself that morning would come and I would feel a lot better.

This is certainly a strange way to start out a Friday Five but it made me think about what I might like to do if I knew it would only last for 24 hours. There are no reality boundaries to these imaginings. So here are the five things for you to consider...

1. If you could dramatically change your physical appearance for 24 hours, what would you do?

Lose the weight. Of course I wouldn't have anything to wear... Oh - I would think of something and it would be delightful. Definitely shed some poundage.

2. If you could live in another place for 24 hours where would you go?   I'd live just outside of town in Galway, Ireland. Not far from an amazing Chipper, Doolin, and some of the most beautiful beach and water I have ever seen in my life.
3. You get to do somebody else's job for a day... I would own a restaurant, I have still not lost sight of that dream. But if it had to be a somebody, like a real person - I choose Bono. I'd be Bono from U2 in a second. I could list a hundred reasons why - but you probably already know most of the reasons. (compassionate, smart, doing amazing things with his celeb status, wicked talented, leader, speaker, sexy cool, etc...)
4. Spend the day with another person from anywhere in time and space... I would spend the day with my mom. If you don't know the story, and are vaguely interested, go here. Otherwise just know that she was the most wonderful human that ever lived, and it would be a lovely choice.
5. A magical power is yours. Which one would you pick? Raising life to the dead, and I would only use it on my mom, and my houseplants. And only for 24 hours right?

Happy Friday. Thanks for the play RevHRod - feel better!
p.s. - If you are the praying type, would you be so kind as to add Swandive and her big work project to your list of prayers. That would rock, a whole lot.

NOT complaining

Just getting it off my chest.

1. Listening to MPR this morning, I cannot believe what presidential hopeful John McCain is trying to sell in his healthcare plan. Seriously, is he cracked or what? Go listen to the piece here or read it here. I don't get it? He just seems to be so far out of touch.

   Just this week in Pittsburgh, for example, he (McCain) criticized Medicare's new drug benefit for being too generous."People like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet don't need their prescriptions underwritten by taxpayers."                                                                                                      Yeah, 'cause the average american is like these two yahoos. Duh dude.

2. Sweetie is out of town, in Atlanta, for a conference. Its the first time I have been alone in our home. Normally I have been the one who goes out of town. I miss her.
3. I still love my new job, but I am really ready to be done with feeling 'new'.
4. Why does praise and worship music so often suck? It used to be that when I was stressing out, all I would have to do is throw in a little 'Lord I lift your Name on High' or 'I Could Sing of your Love Forever' and whoosh-bang - stress lifted, gone. I sort of miss it in a way. Not so much anymore.

Are you there God? Its me, Rachel. I could use some company. Just feeling a bit - I don't know - out of sorts. I know its not gonna stay for long, but will you come, sit with me? You don't have to say much or say anything really. Just sit and share a cup of tea for a bit. I miss you. Amen.

 

"extended size"

This last weekend, I actually got two days off in a row. Yeah, I know, super whiner that I am. The more time that passes (a great way to re-phrase getting old, I think) the less and less I can do working 6 days a week. I honestly think this is one of the defining markers in how I know, for sure, that I am not called to ordained ministry. Suck hours. (no offense to those that are)

Anyway, the routine now seems to spend one day nesting around the house, this weekend we completely cleaned and reorganized the basement - getting ready for our new fat-buster that we are getting (yeah, that's gonna be me in that photo if you click and look at the fat-buster link). The other day we are out in the world.

This Sunday we went to church (good), and then started off on our Sunday adventure - looking for the elliptical machine of our dreams. First up - not exactly on the agenda - but super fun - REI. Holy crap that place rocks. I have not always felt this way.

You see, I am not exactly their target market. I don't climb rocks, its been a while since I've been camping, I don't eat power gel, cliff bars or MRE's. The shoe department is awesome, but not really in my price range most of the time. And then there are the clothes.

There are the clothes! Guess what, they now have "extended sizes" - oh thank someone in marketing or research - seriously. I think half of the battle is apparently you have to already be kinda thin to get some decent clothes to sweat in. Who needs workout clothes? The fatty-bo-batties! Way to go REI. You made my day.

Full figured, plus sized, 'womens' sized? No way.
Extended size.

Hope

*The Last Hope*
Originally uploaded by Blu3_Sky777

“Men often become what they believe themselves to be.

If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it.

But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning.”

Mahatma Gandhi