The Swandive

my Swan-song day

Something is in the air.

Fact: This morning my sweetie and I started a conversation on the way to work (where so many good conversations start) about the topic 'what would you do if I die first?' (We did not finish it. I hope we do.)
Fact: A beloved pastor, whom I did not know, but oh so many did, died today, bad ticker. Grief stricken office.
Fact: I went to an Estate sale over lunch for the late Rt. Rev. Fred Putnam. What an amazing thing to do - go through a deceased persons things. It was something. He had a library of books to behold. I purchased 2.
Fact: reverendmother is doing her Friday5 'swan song' over at  Revgals. All wonderful things must come to an end.

And in the background sings Mindy Smith (on pandora)...

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
 
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe
 
So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

I looked up the meaning and history on Swan song. Can you believe it, its a saying with my own name in it, and I had no idea what it meant. Although its not true, its hauntingly beautiful.

Fall is here, colors are turning, death seems so palpable today.
But, what a joy - what a ride - to be alive today. Grief seems strangely at a distance today. Like I feel it, but its more of a warm, glad energy - moving, giving thanks, for this big cycle of life we are all on.

Congrats reverendmother, for all of the life and change and birth to come.
Here's to letting go and letting God - the mystery weaver - do God's thang. No hanging on, letting fingers drop, one two, three....
Wheeeeee......

Ways to tell you are happy - Vol I

Exhibit 1:  I am not sure how exactly it happened, but just after lunch I realized I had gum on my bottom. Not under my shoe, but on my big hind part. On my favorite pants. I was just telling my sweetie how much I love these pants. My friend K thinks these are great pants. Now they are great gum pants. And I smell like wrigleys wintermint ABC.

Exhibit 2: Theology and a Pint, the monthly gathering that I help host (Theology and a Pint is a monthly gathering and casual discussion for anyone interested in exploring the intersection of faith, God, culture and politics.) - was really really not great last night. In a way I could never have imagined.

And me.
I laugh, I am happy, I think life is funny and quirky.
Oh its good to be happy again. So good.

it grows back right?

Oh - it takes coming face to face with your own ugly ass self to realize that you are, in fact, VAIN.

Friday my sweetie and I had sort of blocked off on the calendar to get hair cuts. You would have to know us, we like to do things together. We enjoy doing most mundane events, by each others side - haircuts included. Fact: I have had a great hair guy for about 2 years. His name is Troy and he works at - yes, I know - Fantastic Sams. I have defended my dear Fantastic experience for some time now. I love that I can get my uni-brow lifted and separated every 10 weeks or so along with my great haircut from Troy.

But like everything - it died the last time I saw dear Troy. The cut wasn't as great, some chemicals were applied - poorly. It just wasn't the fantastic experience I had come to know and love. And I will freely admit it here - I love not paying a mint for a crap shoot - which is I think what the hair business has always been for me. Oh I have paid the high bucks, followed my guy or gal (I had 2 stylists I have been very loyal to before Troy, even moved in with one of them) wherever they went. I apparently care, a lot, about how my hair looks.

So Friday, we headed off to Fantastic Sams, knowing Troy was not there and we'd have to go to one of the other very good, very competent and sometimes even cute stylists. We get there and its a 2 HOUR wait. Oh - how I wish I was patient. Yet another flaw that has bitten me in the ass. I didn't want to wait, neither did my sweetie. So off to the other Sams, just up the way.

So, I tell the guy I am flexible, I want a quick cute, somewhat shorter cut, I don't have 30 minutes in the morning to primp and floof. I have been growing my hair out for at least a year, it was longish. Like the longest its been in like 10 years, I share that I am sort of liking it - proud in a way. I point to the other stylist and tell him "kinda like hers, maybe a bit longer." Specifically I said these words: "Do not make me look like a super dyke butch, you know what I mean? Still femine." (its just not a good look for me, it looks good on others - just not me.) He said yes.

He lied.
I cried.

In the salon - I couldn't hold back. On the way home, all of Friday night - on and off. Again Saturday while getting feedback from a friend and my sister. I cried.

I wish I didn't care. I do. Shit I have so many things to be thankful for, like it WILL grow back. For some friends I know, that won't happen anytime soon. I don't have cancer, I am not sick. I have a home, a loving partner who still tells me I am beautiful, I have food, a good job, family. It'll grow back. It always does. But what do I do in the mean time? I think I will wrap up this pity party, and find another part of my body to look at, and remember that in fact - no matter what - I am beautiful.

a good slice of pi

So this past weekend a really good friend was in town from Brooklyn NY. Trying to be a good co-hostess, my sweetie and dragged him out for some free happy hour pool, good beer and great atmosphere at Pi, the local newish lesbo joint. Not exactly a place he would have found on his own, probably not a place he would pick at first glance, but it turned out to be really great.

So, an acquaintance of ours, T (I'd say friend, but she might not say the same. She runs in some of the same circles of people we hang with.) owns the place with a few other people. When we were there, I sparked up a conversation with T. We got to talking about marketing, websites, building community, reaching the people that are not yet familiar with or don't frequent Pi. They are the stay at home, olderish, used to hang out at the Metro Nightclub (ugh), Powderhorn livin', May Day Parade hangin', partnered kind (I realize this is a huge blanket statement of generalizations). What really struck me about the whole conversation is that I could have been having the same conversation with some priest friends, about Jesus.

People long to belong, to be a part of a community where they say to themselves - I can be here, I can make a difference here, I fit here, I feel strangely comforted here, people here 'get' me.

I went to "church" last weekend, and my church was in a bar for lesbians and their friends.

meetings on a friday

                       Friday Five: Meetings, Meetings                    

                  

(ReverendMother says) In honor of a couple of marathon meetings I attended this week:

1. What's your view of meetings? Choose one or more, or make up your own:
a) When they're good, they're good. I love the feeling of people working well together on a common goal.
b) I don't seek them out, but I recognize them as a necessary part of life.
c) The only good meeting is a canceled meeting.

Its a mixture of A and d) which goes like this, for God so loved the world, for s/he did not send a committee.

2. Do you like some amount of community building or conversation, or are you all business?
A bit of both - I am a little more rock and roll than touchy feel-y (aka community building and conversation).

3. How do you feel about leading meetings? Share any particular strengths or weaknesses you have in this area.
I don't like to. At all. I am a good second in command, behind the leader. It stresses me out. A LOT. My weakness is the lead up - getting prepared. My strength if I HAVE to lead is getting out of the way and facilitating a collaborative space.

4. Have you ever participated in a virtual meeting? (conference call, IM, chat, etc.) What do you think of this format?
Boo hiss. Or as I say - Biss.

5. Share a story of a memorable meeting you attended.
Upon reflection, maybe I should change my answer in #1 - because nothing at all is coming to mind. Its like a vast wasteland of zero memories of meetings in my head. Is that bad?

Happy Friday and weekend everyone. Me - I'm off to the big MDG Summit - being the registrar queen that I am. Prayers for patience and grace would be most welcome if you pray for random stuff like that.

reason #218 why I love my job

Its no secret, I love my job. Reason today, my co-worker D. She is most awesome. Here's one reason why.

It's true, Aunie Flow Flow is in town (great timing as usual) and so I walked by her desk with a tampon not so cleverly hidden up my sleeve. You know that trick girls - right? Anyway, I take care of business and walking back she pulled me over to tell me a story of a friend of hers that I share with you now.

Sally worked in an office, and she really liked a boy she worked with, lets call him Dave. She would find ways to see him around the office, smile, talk to him when she could. She was just beginning to work up her nerve to see if he wanted to go out for coffee or a drink sometime.

So, Sally was walking down the hall - on her way to the ladies room with the up the sleeve trick when Dave caught her eye in passing. "Hi Sally!" he said, waving to her. She waved back, excitedly, saying hello when the cleverly hidden tampon waved its way out of her sleeve and was flung on to his chest.

Yeah, periods suck.

rockin the church directory

This past Sunday was "rally sunday" - the Sunday where everyone comes back from playing hookie on worshiping the Lord in the beauty of holiness (in the bricks and mortar and gathered community way) all summer. I admit - I have been absent from most of my communities of faith lately, so I fell hook, line and sinker for the ol' rally Sunday thing at my Sunday morning home. This year our church rented a photo booth, and had all the members do these photos.
Yeah - finally - one less crappy expensive Olan Mills "free" picture.

Not exactly posed, tilt your head just a 'leeee-tle' bit left, lift your chin, and ah!

But, I like em. And I like my church.

the F5 on a saturday

This one had to go on the back burner, as I felt it needed some time and reflection. Sally, a blogging friend, says this for the revgals Friday 5:

Friday 5 - on overcoming                   

I am preparing this Friday 5 just before I take Chris into hospital for a cardioversion, right now we are all a little apprehensive. But this whole thing has got me thinking, so many of us are overcomers in one way or another, so many have amazing stories to tell of God's faithfulness in adversity. And so I bring you this Friday 5.

1.Have you experienced God's faithfulness at a difficult time? Tell as much or as little as you like...

Three words: my mothers disappearance.
Though I would never wish a loved one - much less a mother to a daughter - going missing on anyone, I will say the hindsight on this one is 20/20.
God has graced me, shown mercy to me, and has blessed me 10 times through this life altering journey. She is now 'found', deceased - as many of you already know. The waiting game, the prayers, the tears, the outrage, the big fat F yous at God - my shit head behavior never wavered God's love for me. Never wavered God's blessings towards me and my family. And the journey continues...

2. Have you experienced a dark night of the soul, if so what brought you through?

Yes. Love. God's love, my siblings, my partner, my past partners, my friends. It really is the greatest gift.

3. Share a Bible verse, song, poem that has brought you comfort?

...and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

³²4. Is "why suffering" a valid question?

It is, and it still stumps me, stops me in my tracks, can't get over it, can't explain it to my friends who look at my faith as if I am a total sucker.

5. And on a lighter note- you have reached the end of a dark and difficult time- how are you going to celebrate?

By just getting on with it, and continuing to create and co-create a better life. My mom used to like the Nike slogan (ok - way before we knew about Nike's crappy inhumane, unfair labor issues) - Just Do It. That is how she lived her life, and that is how I try to live. Just get up, be grateful you can get up, and do it - whatever the 'it' is that you are called to do.

Bonus- anything you wish to add....
Hugs for Sally and her family.

Sorry if this has been a little heavy I will try to lighten up soon!!!

Sometimes its just silly to say sorry for something that just is. So as my sweetie would say "The office of 'sorry' is closed."

tickle on the funny bone

HT to MadPriest on this. So funny and wish I could have been there. Oh the Irish are just great craic.

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the  microphone.....

"I want you to think about something.  Every time I clap my hands, a child dies in Africa."

A voice from the back of the audience yells out........

"Then fookin stop clapping yer hands, ya arsehole!"

Ohhhh, MP, (bow) you ARE awesome. Thanks for the laugh today.

(Clarification: Children dying in Africa is not funny. Irish ARE.)

wise words

Up early today. Like waaaaaayyyyy before daybreak. Weird.
My brain has a hard time coping in the early am, needed some early morning wisdom. Went in search of.
Sometime I lurk and look in on these two fabulous women here and here to see what they are dreaming.
Its not always the one stop, but often gets my mind churning. This morning G sent me in search of Rumi wisdom. Chew on it.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you; Don't go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want; Don't go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep.