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July 2006

31 July 2006

bowled over with grace

Post_2

So, we bought a house. A great big ol' house. We moved in at the end of May and I can honestly say this is the house I will die in. God willing of course. But lately, as with all houses, there has been some troubling things. First, the basement "bathroom." The toilet, she ain't so hot. It flushes as if to say, "but why should I get rid of the gift you left for me? don't you want me to appreciate and keep it?" Ummmm, no. Not so much. Then, singles starting sliding from our rooftop. Right above oour bedroom. Brown cracks above my head dance in the night, whispering "the sky is fallling, the sky is falling!"

But this week a new friend arrived, our neighbors tree. It began to lean and push our 6 ft. high privacy fence right over. So we agonized how to approach this. For three (or was it more) long days, we looked at the fence, watched it continue to fall. The neighbors whos tree it was are the neighbors who don't really talk to us so much. Not that they were mean, or were rude, far from it. They just don't go out of their way to say hello, don't look in our direction if we are outside at the same time. So anyway, all of this to say that we were really nervous to talk to them.

So Friday afternoon, we went over, and began to tell them about the tree, and asked if they could come out and give it a look. Well, not only did they give it a look, they took out their hand tools (saws and whatnot) and began to work in the 90+ degree work. A few hours later, they stopped, and then started right back at it with a chain saw the next morning. We were and still are and most likely will be for a long time, amazed.

Amazed at how wonderful people are. Amazed at the generosity of our neighbors wo don't say much in words, but say so much in their actions. G-R-A-C-E. Huge ass whopper of grace.
A prayer for our neighbors and all Gods people.

To the Creator, for the ultimate gift of life, I thank you.          

To the mineral nation that has built and maintained my bones and all foundations of life experience, I thank you.

To the plant nation that sustains my organs and body and gives me healing herbs for sickness, I thank you.           

To the animal nation that feeds me from your own flesh and offers your loyal companionship in this walk of life, I thank you.

To the human nation that shares my path as a soul upon the sacred wheel of Earthly life, I thank you.

To the Spirit nation that guides me invisibly through the ups and downs of life and for carrying the torch of light through the Ages. I thank you.  

To the Four Winds of Change and Growth, I thank you.

You are all my relations, my relatives, without whom I would not live. We are in the circle of life together, co-existing, co-dependent, co-creating our destiny. One, not more important than the other.  One nation evolving from the other and yet each dependent upon the one above and the one below. All of us a part of the Great Mystery.

Thank you for this Life.

- Silver Wolf Walks Alone
(please visit this link)

       

 

29 July 2006

new photos from my birthday

So - last Sunday, me and the fam went to the zoo in Apple Valley (I think people still call it the new zoo) to see the safari exhibit. I guess the heat up here in MN is good for something! Anyway, it is the first time that my sibs and I have all been together since the funeral last June. It was the best birthday present I have ever received, the gift of time and play.

Make sure you check out the photos (they are at the bottom of this blog, hippo birdy two ewe (me).)
Sibs

28 July 2006

back in the saddle

Well, it's Friday, and the sun is begining to peek out through the clouds. The last few nights I have been just pushing through, knowing that I had plans that I did not want to back out on, but did not have the emotional stamina to make it through alone. I used to just bail out, shut the world out, and curl up in bed and sleep the pain away. Oh and eat alot before going to bed. Hence my crappy feeling of body image, which I am still trying to shake.

It seems I am turning a new corner in how to deal. The night before last we went to see friends that used to be our neighbors and are one of our favorite couples to be around. At some point, sitting on their porch, C said "it's so nice to have friends like you" or something like that. Karen and I have this habit of letting everyone know in the middle of having fun, that we are having fun, instead of thinking or making note of it at some later point. It was so nice to be in the presence of two people we love, and get showered with that same love right back. And, I had a meltdown on the way over to their house, walked in, and knew that if I needed to, a meltdown would have been just fine right there with them.

Then last night, we had a lovely cup of tea with another set of our favorite friends, "the lindas." M,C, and E met us at the Birchwood. M's life is being turned upside down with a very exciting film project, C got some good full time work, in her field, with health benefits and stable good income. E, I didn't get to hear from as much, except one moment where she turned to me and said that she and I were in the same sort of place. Shit, I gotta get to know her better, cause she is just so wonderful. A few months back, this circle of people became a circle of trust. I look forward to sitting with them again.

I remarked last night that I think I have just not spent enough time with people who know me. I have been running from thing to thing, trying to juggle and balance, all the while giving my soul away to people who don't know me, and are moving too fast to try and stop so we can find a place to rest and talk and find our common voice / common language.

Skin Today and over the past few days, I have found God in my friends. They collectively might think I am nuts for saying so. They have been the cool wet towel (that smells like vinegar) on my red hot sunburn. My healers, my listeners, my salve for broken skin. My thin skin is on the mend. Time to listen to Melissa Etheridge sing all about it.

27 July 2006

so cliche, so laim, so...

it's here. That pesky thing that messes with my emotions and way of being every single month. Why do I wonder? Ugh.Period

26 July 2006

Square pegs and petunia patches

Sfu_1Lately, it seems like I am speaking in a foreign language that noone understands. Today, a friend and someone I deeply respect, has told me that I am a "negative dumper" and "negative and shut down."

I know that my friends C&M have felt this with me before too. I guess it is the language of depression. I get to feeling alone, left out, isolated, and all around empty. I have been keeping close watch on my moods and emotions enough to see that I am back in full bummer swing again. I don't know how to say what I mean, I don't know how to say I love - it just comes out all garblty-goo.
I wish I had time to stop and figure out a way out of this cycle. I don't even know how I get here - I only know it when it has arrived.

"Of all the saddest words That I have ever heard
The saddest is the story
Told me by a bird
He had spent about and hour
Chatting with a flower
and here ís the tale the flower told

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch and all I do is cry all day
Boo hoo, boo hoo

Interesting Brezsny

Hmmm... interesting.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The dreams you have in the coming nights
may be disturbing. Eagles may be dive-bombing warm and fuzzy little
sheep. Lions may be pouncing on gentle deer and big bullies may be
stealing the lunch money of cute little kids on the playground. You should
not, however, view these dreams as bad omens. If you respond to them
correctly, they will not turn out to be prophecies about literal
developments in your waking life. And what is the correct response?
Toughen up the part of you whose feelings are too easily hurt. Strengthen
the protection that surrounds your vulnerabilities. Stand up for yourself
with a courage that is graceful, not macho.


 

25 July 2006

Calling it off

In staff this morning, I learned that they have called off the search for Jon.
06719181858_missing_idahoI remember that sinking feeling. We did not have the resources to continue our search efforts beyond what the police were willing to do. Every step of those searches we hung on to the hope that we would find her, and then, not really. It kept the hope that she was still alive, somewhere, out there.
Back in those early times of her being missing, my mom would visit me in my dreams alot. I would wake up, not being able to shake the energy she left behind. Sometimes it was anger, about herMa leaving or giving up on me / us the family. Sometimes it was her, just lovingly walking away, like down a long road, and I could not catch up. Sometimes I could not get out of bed because I was just trying so hard to fall back asleep so I could see her and let her run her fingers through my hair and hold me and tell me everything would be alright, and she would tell me how strong and beautiful I am. I never wanted to wake up from those dreams.
I don't have those dreams much anymore. I did have one the other night, after spending the day with my family for my birthday. It was not a warm and fuzzy dream, and it seems to have stuck with me the past few days. I'm sure due to thinking about Jon's family, and spending the day with mine. What lingers is my sense of deep sadness and wishing I could have her back.

God of the mystery, be with the Francis family, as they search the wilderness of their broken hearts. Give them a sense of peace, and hope. Be with them as the long days ahead unfold, and give them a sense of your unfailing presence. God of all, bless them, and the community around them. And God of Mercy, be with all those who are missing, but never forgotten. Help those of us left behind. Thank you for the joy when it comes, and help us navigate the darkness when it comes, as it always does. For the gift of closure, we beseech thee. For the gift of comfort to those whose mourning continues and is never too far, we pray. In Jesus name, Amen.

24 July 2006

Monday, again?!?!

What a weekend! What a ride!
Friday was dinner with my boss, Karen, and  good couple friends, Ericka and Steph. We laughed and cooked and laughed some more until nearly midnight. The recipe we made was a veg lasagne and holy was it good. We subbed out 1/2 of the red sauce for an alfredo sauce (great sugestion by our friend Petey at Jakeeno's in our old 'hood) and it was delightful.
Saturday was a day from heaven. Sleep in, have coffee on the front porch with my love and my good friend RC. Ate some leftovers and went on a day journey, which ended up being into Stillwater, MN. It's a fantastic river town, beautiful and packed on Saturday. But, we walked around, shopped a bit and then I got my tattoo fixed (ala my friend Jon Lam, who let me know that my tattoo I got years ago didn't say Jesus, it just said Je. so wierd) Here is the image that is now on my upper back/neck.
JesuschristchineseI got this tattoo originally as a going away present when I left working for the Bryant Lake Bowl and going into ministry. Great gift. I still miss that job sometimes. Best one I ever had I think.
Anyway - then we went on to dinner at some friends of ours restaurant, Cesares. If you live in MN, you MUST go. It is owned by two of the nicest and hardest working people I know, and the wine list is hands down the best anywhere. Oh - and did I mention the cheese?

More about the weekend later.... So I guess this is part one. Jon Francis of Stillwater is still missing. Here is another article link. Thank you for the prayers for him and his family. The next posting will go a little further into how this event has filtered into my dreams and psyche. Sleeping and waking has been tough.

21 July 2006

some days it just hurts

A terrible thing has happened in our neck of the woods. A young boy has gone missing.

Jon Francis, son of David and Linda Francis (members of Church of the Ascension, Stillwater) went missing on Saturday, July 15, 2006 while hiking in the Sawtooth Mountains in central Idaho. After four days, Custer County Search and Rescue crews and the U.S Forest Service have called off the search, however, David and Linda Francis have reinstigated the search at their own expense.

24-year-old Francis had taken the Redfish Lake shuttle to the upper end of the lake on the morning of July, 15. He intended to climb Grand Mogul and return to the Luther Heights Camp at Alturas Lake around 6 p.m. that evening.

Every day in our country, people go missing. They go missing for all sorts of reasons, as many as are stars in the sky. It is tragic. As the news and prayers come in for this young man, who many love, I can't help but just weep. A priest and former military personnel just came into the office, to work with the National Gaurd on getting some infared equipment deployed to the area so that the search could continue. As I write this, I can hardly contain the tears. I am sad for this family, for the horrible sleepless nights. I pray for sleep for them, when sleep is the last thing you want to do. I pray for grace for them, to hold them in the times when it is just to much to bear. I pray for friends and family around them, who don't know what to say.
And I am sad for me. I am sad because I wish we would have had people to help us when the searching was callled off. I am sad because the pain of finding her, 7 and a half years later is still so fresh. I cry, wail and try to understand why MY mom? I cry. Greif. Ugh.

So friends, please hold this family in your prayers, as the searching continues. Pray the the God of all mercy and goodness bless them and keep them in the palm of God's hand. And pray for Jon.
Amen.


20 July 2006

what a great birthday gift!

WOW!
So I went to go visit my friend E's blog, she seems to have been a smidge down lately. So I go over and read her, and pray some good stuff her way from time to time. Well she is hooked up with the FRANK thing. So I forgot to update my bookmark for her, and it took me to the FRANK page first. Then - I saw this amazing project of folks they are working with. It's called TR - Time Remaining. Click on the awesome amazing picture link. I was especially taken with the "3 easy steps" entry.
Tr_1

My gift to me this year? Print out that chart from the 3 easy steps, and start living into some of it! Thanks E. Thanks FRANK. Thanks TR. Great gift.