The Swandive

life in blips and bites

My life for the last two months has really been about two things:

1. Feeling better, trying to find a way to live, leaning towards health and not choosing the same old coping mechanisms (that have served me "well" up until now). And,
2. General Convention.

Well, General Convention is here. I am doing hard and good work for IntegrityUSA and Episcopalians for Global Reconciliation also known as E4GR. If you are on twitter, please consider following me and the work I am up to at @integrityusa and @e4gr (and @swancommarachel). In addition--I get to hang with some of my most favorite peeps in the whole world, the Young Adult Festival folks. I am teaching an Anglican prayer bead workshop with and for them.

I am guessing I won't get to tell a whole lot of stories of my own in the next two weeks--although I am hoping I am wrong.

About feeling better--well what can I say--its a slow road. It is hard work. I feel like it is on hold while I am here in Anaheim. But what I am doing is eating well, and walking, which are a few things that I am building into this new way of being healthy. Two of many.

Another practice of leaning into feeling better? I am holding dearly to the memory of my baby sisters visit last week and the week before, I think it may be some of the best memories we have had together so far. She is amazing and beautiful.
See?   Just a few snaps from our time, ones that deserve much more storytelling to them. So, next post.

Thanks for letting me ramble on.

Top 10: Sick and Tired

*Top 10 things to do when you decide that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired (according to and as trying to do from your bloggy friend, me.):

1. Ask for help. This is key: no matter who you are, or how hard you try, you cannot go it alone.
2. Keep trying. If one remedy doesn't work, keep trying. Just because it works for that other person, does not mean it will work for you.
3. Pray, or talk to the universe, or your source (or whatever language you need here). I am a big fan of prayer, but the key is to give whatever it is over, and KNOW--beyond knowing--you are not meant to walk alone in whatever thing that is weighing you down.
4. Forgiveness. Forgive yourself (for letting it get this bad), forgive others (for whatever part they played; ie complacency, judgment, not enough, etc.). Really--nothing will clear away, until you make it so.
5. Move. Get out of your head and into your body. At least once a day, in whatever way you can. But pay attention and "count" whatever movement you do, and celebrate it.
6. Focus on what you are doing that is working towards the goal of feeling better, **rather that what you aren't or could be doing, or could be doing better. <------- **So unhelpful.
7. Laugh. Look for it, youtube it, seek it out, and give in to it.
8. Look for beauty, expect it, and then say thank you when it shows up.
9. Eat better. Crap in crap out is the rule of thumb. Less expensive is not always less expensive. Real food.
10. No matter how hard, love thy self.

*We teach what we most need to learn, amen?

The Spot

Best part about summers in my office? Short days on Friday. This past week I drove down to Cleary Lake Regional Park (a place my mom loved to walk, and where we held the final memorial) and picked out the spot for my mom's memorial bench. This is it.

Time heals, yes I think I would agree with that. But most certainly in God's time, not mine.

Pop Theology or how I found God via email forwards

This morning, I got an email from a friend, who only sends me "God forwards" as I like to call them. You know, if you don't send this email or powerpoint to all your friends, Jesus will cry and He will really know how you feel about Him, and I mean you ARE a friend of Jesus, right?? I know I really should say something to my friend, I but haven't yet. I knew from the title "Awesome_powerpoint" that it would be really something. I also knew that if I opened it and watched it, my eyes would roll around in my head, my heart would break a little further, and I  would feel just a twinge more outraged at our churches (yes, that includes me) for once again perpetuating the cycle of email/pop theology by not offering a better story, by not speaking to this world of weird ass email forward theology.

Friends, if this is the God you worship, please let me know. I would love to talk to you. Really. I am not kidding. Not to convince you otherwise, but to have a conversation, laugh, share a cup of coffee and talk about what you really believe. I could be way off, but something tells me--this--is not really it.

Watch it for yourself, here. Download Awesome_powerpoint.pps (1156.5K). Also, you will be able to watch the awesome online, shortly, by clicking here and choosing "Awesome Powerpoint" (I just set up the account so it may take a minute). **Warning, its pretty fancy, has a killer song to go along with it (you know the electronic "soothing piano" kind). Turn the sound up or down, whichever you prefer.

p.s. I DO think you are a "keeper."

a few of my favorite things

Minnesota is so beautiful at this time of year. The farmers markets are just getting underway, those of us who don't ride bike year round are taking our bikes out for the maiden voyage, the trees are blooming, birds sing what seems like 24 hours a day. I just cut the grass for the first time last weekend; love that smell. The raised beds in the backyard are going to get planted.

Best of all, if I roll the windows down and pay attention, in almost every neighborhood you can smell and see the lilacs in bloom.

I wish this were a scratch and sniff blog, because nothing smells so good as the lilacs in bloom mixed with the smell of promise lingering in the air. Nothing smells like it.

a do do do, a dah dah dah ...

I am joining my friend Tess, and her friend Magpie Girl in the Do Less Campaign.Perhaps you might join in?

This morning, my chest and heart overwrought with anxiety and a general holy-shit-hitting-the-fan-I-can't-stop-it-freakout, I started to say a sort of mashup of the first half of Anne Lamott's favorite prayer ("Help me, help me, help me,") combined with my own curse laced prayer groans (you really don't want to know what these sounded like, trust me), when a little tweet came across my tweetdeck. It pointed me to Magpie Girl and this nifty little Do Less Campaign. She says:

Hello loves! Listen, I’m worried about you.

I read your Twitters and Facebook status updates, and occasionally peek at your blogs. And you know what? Y’all are way WAY too busy! I see a lot of posts about too many meetings, insurmountable to-do lists, and rushing about on weekends. I’m beginning to suspect that some of you have caffeine running in your veins. Continued ...

So, with a pinch of gratitude, a deep breath, a box of kleenex on hand should it be needed ... ready or not today, here I come.

this is my today

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my mom was discovered, in the woods, just 5 minutes from where she disappeared from. Tomorrow is Mothers Day. I hurt. (If you have not read the story, you could read it all starting here.)

I don't post for sympathy, or because I need something--a kind word or prayer. Although each and every one helps, so thanks. I post this because my heart is hurting and I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes it just comes, like a flood across my eyeballs, the tears well and nothing I can do can make it stop. I can't stop the hurt. I can just get through it. I feel restless. And angry. Ripped off and all at the same time grief stricken for all of those people in my life now who have never met her. Like my beloved.

I have some motherless daughters friends. They are having brunch tomorrow. Maybe I will join them. I don't know.

I am beside myself not quite sure what to say except hello.