The Swandive

the dublin trip: a review, part 1

So, maybe you have already been tracking the tweets, watching the updates, and this is not news to you. But the whirlwind trip to Ireland was nothing short of unbelievable, beautiful, life changing moments. No, I am not exaggerating.

I am going to break up the whole story into two or three posts, just to try and capture each and every moment. Though we were only there for about 60 hours, a lot was packed in.

A few months ago, I received an email telling me that the one living person who I thought I would never ever see live in concert, was going to do 4 shows: one in London, Birmingham, Liverpool and my favorite place in the world, Ireland (specifically the show was in Dublin). Yusuf (if you don't recognize the name, go here) was going on tour. I knew that day that I had to do whatever it took to try and get there. It was on my before I die / bucket list. I was not going to miss this show if I didn't have to. Mind made up, the planning started.

As it turns out, we would be leaving for Ireland exactly 3 years to the day from our last trip--also quite magical--our honeymoon. So I purchased tickets for the show, got a not quite as outrageous as could have been priced flight, and booked the hotel. And on November 13th, we were Dublin bound.

We touched down Saturday morning--8:30 am. Saturday was sort of the open, go where the wind blows, 
day. We started out the way every day should: sweet milky tea, porridge, fruit and a scone. YUM. We stayed at The Arlington--Temple Bar. Highly recommended as it is 3 minutes walking distance from, well everything. Seriously, it was so perfect. We couldn't check in for a few hours, so we set off for some adventure, and first thing, hit a free walking tour of Dublin. Our tour guide was a bit strange, but sweet, we hung with it for about an hour or so, and then drifted off, seeing our own sites.

Did I happen to mention this interesting story? So, Doug Pagitt has got this really sweet deal on his books--5 for a mere $40 bucks, a total steal if you ask me (hint hint to those of you who would be interested in the deal). Anyway, it just so happens that some really nice people bought the set, and they lived in, you guessed it, Dublin. So Doug asked if I had some spare room in the luggage to be an international courier. Of course I did. So after the walkabout, we headed back to the hotel to meet these locals and hand off the goods. They were so sweet. From South Africa, Sarah and Graeme, could not have been more kind. We chatted, talked about Solomons Porch, faith, life and how they came to be in Dublin. They offered us a lift Trinity College and we happily accepted, you never turn down a local--you never know what can turn up from such offers. This one rendered some lovely conversation, and a great dinner recommendation.

To be continued...

Help Wanted: dreamcatching

These past few months have been quite an adventure, and as in any good adventure story some losses and hits come along the way. This is most certainly the case in my life right now, the most recent casualty is my job.

I have given myself over completely to the depression/healing process, with hopes of knowing how better to manage in the future, and even more--to LIVE in a different way. This past week, I think I have gotten a glimpse that it actually might be working.

A shift has happened. I am seeing, feeling and hearing things I have not experienced before. Boundaries, limits, desires, and daydreams are starting to creep into my consciousness, slowly ever so slowly, like a curious kitten to her first catnip toy.

Here is where you come in friends, this is what I am in desperate need of your help with.

1. Who do you think I am? What words or ideas come to mind when you think of me? And then,
2. what kind of work do you think I am cut out to do?

Now don't go answering one question without the other. I think that each answer will reveal a bit about me. I am asking for you all to be my mirror, my catcher of dreams. (I know that the dream-catcher is to catch the bad ones and let the good ones pass through, slide down the feather into my dreams, but just go with me here.) I want you to help me think further than outside of whatever box I have for myself or that you have placed me in ie. religious, restaurant junkie, "fat", queer, female, funky, christian, etc. Actually, there is no box. Just possibility. Based on what you know of me, what should be my work in the world?

As many of you know--the basis of this blog really--for a long time I worked in restaurants. Then when life served up to me a huge fork in my road, I suddenly started to (metaphorically) sling bread and wine instead of (literally) slinging hot plates & cold beers. Now, truly, I am just not sure what to do. I am paralyzed with possibility and terrified of just doing the same old same old and not taking this time to explore what I feel like is just lurking around the corner.

I need your help. Help me discern what is next. Be honest--frighteningly so please. If you never respond to another post of mine, I hope that you will respond to this one. If you want to send your thoughts by private message or email, that is fine too. But please do chime in. I think some big thing is coming, and I am hoping you, my friends, will help me see it.

Conversation, to be continued...

What's not wrong?

When you hear your inner voice,

forget it.

Hyoen Sahn

I am in a program based on the book The Chemistry of Joy, by Dr. Henry Emmons. The program is called Resilience Training and it is meant to help me in my journey, intention and desire to somehow learn to live differently with depression. I am thrilled I am in the program, and feel quite hopeful, for the first time perhaps, of what may come. Each week I will have homework, which I hope to post here, and this post is this weeks homework. I have done some reading, and am now to reflect on the question "What's not wrong?"

So, the first example from my reading today I think is a helpful one. It says "Think about having a toothache. When you have a toothache, it's like being enlightened. You know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. But when you don't have a toothache, you don't enjoy it."

What's not wrong?

• I just spent the last 5 days or so at a conference (THE conference of the year in my opinion really, look for more reflections on this, soon, on the other blog), with some of the most wonderful people. I was helpful, my role was needed, I loved what I got to do (chauffeur people around and generally be helpful and pleasant), I met some of the most amazing people, and I laughed. There was not one thing wrong about this past weekend. I think I will be drawing on these memories, people, words, images and hugs for a long time to come.

• I am healing well. My body is recovering quite well from surgery. My scars are small and wicked cool. Not having my period--well--its exactly the bliss I thought it would be. WOW. Now there is something that is NOT there. My uterus. And I am not taking it for granted that it is not there. I fully know that it is not there. And I am so grateful.

• My beloved loves me, unconditionally. She is patient and kind, not jealous, conceited or proud. She teaches me much about kindness, grace, joy, and love. This is most certainly what is not wrong.

What else is not wrong? A lot. My list could go on and on. Of course I could continue to worry about what IS wrong, but that has gotten my quite literally no-where for a long time. When something is not going right, we THINK we have to ask why, what has gone wrong. But this is faulty logic, focusing on what is wrong, in my experience, has only fueled the tears, drawn me ever deeper into the swirling madness of trying to figure out something--that perhaps is not able to be figured out, has only intensified my own feelings of lack, anger, mis-trust, mis-understanding, mis-______.

Instead, I am going to pick up the practice of trying to be in touch with what is right. Even if the only thing that I can see and feel that is right is my breath, I will focus on it. Breathing in, and out, just grateful for what is, from one moment until the next, until the anxiety passes, the tears recede, and my fear--quiets and submits to the hush of each ... breath ... in ... and out.

Amen.

in a word or two (dozen)

Surgery went well.

To say that I am grateful for the prayers, doesn't even scratch the surface.

The notes, the stop-bys, the cards, the texts, the prayer, the comments: humbling, overwhelming and beautiful.

Laying low. Tending the wounds.

Paying attention.

Resting and

ready. For whatever comes next.

A gift of words from the corners of my mind, shared here with you, for us, for whatever is coming our way. The ever beautiful Mary Oliver.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver