The Swandive

Friday 5 - The Travel Edition

Songbird offers up an awesome 5 this week, partly awesome because of the map image (of my hometown, because of a huge gathering, the Festival of Homiletics coming to town next week), and partly because of the topic - TRAVEL. Brilliant. So, let's get started. She says:

Friday Five: Grand Tour

One of our original ring members, jo(e), wrote yesterday about a trip she and her sisters are taking overseas with their parents, to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Many other RevGals are headed for the Festival of Homiletics in the coming week (click here for information on a RevGals meetup!!). In honor of these upcoming trips, herewith your Grand Tour Friday Five.

Name five places that fall into the following categories:

1) Favorite Destination -- someplace you've visited once or often and would gladly go again

Ireland. Over and over and over, I just can't get enough. Its the kind of place you need to see slowly, take in all the smells, the people, the Guinness. When you drive, you should take the coast route, but then drive inward too, away from the coast. Ah.... time to go again.

2) Unfavorite Destination -- someplace you wish you had never been (and why)

I don't know, I mostly have fun anywhere I go. But if I had to name a place, I think it would be (gasp, I know) Vegas. Yes, I said it, Las Vegas. It is the most shiney and most depressing place I have been all at once. The one thing I remember the most was when I walked through the turnstyle into the lobby (in old Las Vegas, The Golden Nugget) was it was like 30 old ladies had just exhaled their Virginia Slim cigarette right into the doorway. It was too smokey even for me, a smoker at the time. The whole place smelled like sadness to me.

3) Fantasy Destination -- someplace to visit if cost and/or time did not matter

I would spend 4-6 months, in and around San Miguel de Allende and all around Mexico. I would visit the home of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and learn Spanish fluently. I was shop for and buy art all day and eat with lovely people at night. I would head out to the coast, and spend some quality time on a beach and catch up on some overdue reading.

4) Fictional Destination -- someplace from a book or movie or other art or media form you would love to visit, although it exists only in imagination

Never-never land.

5) Funny Destination -- the funniest place name you've ever visited or want to visit

I can't think of one place. Maybe its because I am doing this before 7 am, could be the lack of coffee. I look forward to reading all the other revgals answers on this one.

So that's it. Hey RevGals - If you are coming to Minneapolis, and would like some suggestions of places to go that are AWESOME and places you won't find in any guidebook or suggested places to go - please drop me a line. I would love to offer some of my favorite spots. Please leave me a comment or email me.

another quick one...

NatalieDee.
So Awesome. So Me.

Time flies, no matter what.

Check in, real quick like. How are you? YOU, yeah you. How are you?

I feel like an ass not keeping up with my bloggy friends, you can only imagine what that means in my day to day life. May is here, and whoooo Eeeee. List of to do's and been done's comin' at cha' real quick like.

1. First, smoke free, for two weeks and two days. My quit smoking counter tells me it has been 2 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes. But whos counting. Yeah - that's right - I AM. Cause its hard.
2. Hosted 2 tables with my beloved for my favorite organization this morning, and I think it went well. Glad its done, but feel great about it and will most likely do it again next year. Rock on Aeon.
3. Got through Mothers Day.
4. Went to church on Mother's Day and there was NO mention of the "holiday", heard the PB of the ELCA preach, and it was delightful.
5. Headed to Syracuse NY this weekend, for the Episcopal Church (Young Adult Ministries) and I could just almost die I am so thrilled to do it. Prayers for this presentation and adventure would be welcome.
6. Got my swap gift from my swap partner - and it rocked. Need to get on the thank you, but this is the start. It was an ode to my dreaming of having my own pub/bar someday. Fun dreaming again.
7. Plans are in place to fix the dishwasher, get a new roof, purchase our butt reducer (the amazing eliptical), fix the hot tub, and the trees have been trimmed.

I have read and heard some really awesome, inspiring stories. And, by some miracle and/or act of God, I have a smile on my face, and feel good.

How are you?

Marking Time

The world is swirling with energy and coincidence (if you believe in coincidences).

3 years ago today, my phone rang. It was my dad calling to tell me that it had not yet been confirmed, but stay close to the phone, "they're pretty sure its your mom." It was.

Today begins Lemuria, the feast day of the ancient Romans, who each year beginning on this day, would throw around black beans and exorcise their dead family and loved ones. Check out the facinating wiki about it here.

Three years ago, I began a process of deep shift, from daughter of a missing person to daughter of Anne White (Chaffee, Swan), deceased.

I mentioned the song "If You Want Me" sung by Marketa Irglova along with her band The Swell Season the other day. She sings it in the movie 'Once' in a stunning little scene. Check the scene out from my post 2 days ago. I mentioned that I have been listening to the lyrics, and they have been hitting me, just... so. I think its the soul in her voice, and after seeing them the other night, there is just something about them. I hear something, beyond, from beyond. Listen.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
for it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore

I have a picture of my mom up at my cube, I don't know what I would do if we did not have pictures, and if I did not have little notes from her, to look at her handwriting. Its funny, I can hear her voice still, just by looking at her handwriting. Sometimes I wonder... if she visits me. Some days she feels closer than ever. But its like I don't speak her language anymore, and I wish I did. Open me Lord, give me the gift of tongues, if only to speak her language, so I can tell her how much I miss her.

When I get really lonely
and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling
with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

When I get lonely, I still think of her first. I felt as a kid, no matter what happened to me, all I had to do was think of my mom, call her, and I knew I was not alone. It has been hard getting used to the silence of our distance.

Are you really sure that you’d believe me
when others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
when you know I really try
to be a better one to satisfy you
For your everything to me
and I’ll do what you ask me
if you’ll let me be, free

My relationship with my mom had a big fat owee in the middle of it. It was her husband. These first two lines, make me think of when I told her what had happened to me. In cases of abuse - so often it comes down to 'he said - she said', and asking her to believe me, to stand by me, was really hard. For her, and for me. I knew she always stood by me in her heart, but she also had to make some very difficult and what I believe to be ill equipped choices in her life.

When she was out of it sometimes, she would question me. Question what happened to me by her husband. I knew it wasn't her speaking, it was the alcohol. But in some of those moments, the anger of all that happened to me, to her, by him, by her family - all got swirled up, messed up, and even sometimes was pointed right at me. Do you believe me mom? I only wanted to make you and your life better, to satisfy that place that was so deeply mis-loved. I would have done whatever you asked - so that we both could be free. Can I be free now mom? Can I let go, and just know that you are here, and we are not working any of our shit out anymore? Can you show me that you are free, in peace. Help me to hear you today, I pray.

Mothers Day, Pentecost, Lemuria, anniversary. Bless it Lord, in your mercy.

Swell

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to see a show, The Swell Season (the 'Once' band). *guh* See a show. Ha! I experienced it. Like the best oatmeal that your ma made for you, on a cold winter morning, sticking and carrying you through the day.

I have seen a great deal of shows in my day, I used to work for the State and Orpheum Theatres. A LOT of shows I have seen. I was telling sweetie last night, as I was debating going to hang out at MacKenzie's deck (the bar that is ajoining the Orpheums stage door) to hang out and maybe meet or talk to the band, that this was in my top 10 for sure fave shows of all time.

I totally chicken'd out, didn't go to Mac's, and have spent the last 12 hours just hearing the songs and stories from the show over and over again, in my dreams and waking. My dreams had me hanging with everyone who I know or have known that are remotely Irish. Through the dreams and then sitting with what I can remember in my waking, I feel like the music has healed hurts of former relationships, and has left me with a gaping hole of love and light and open. I want to drive to Milwaukee and see them again tonight.

I could gush and gush and gush, which would be really boring for you. But if this band is coming to a town near you - GO. This show makes my Top 5. Maybe 3.

What are your Top 5 shows of all time? Theater, music, whatever. What art have you seen that is still with you and your heart and soul today? Comment or post on your blog and let me know.

Another season almost over

This is the big MD week - the lead up to and all the commercials for Mothers Day. Normally I am in some state of utter depression and at moments, even hostility about the whole holiday. This year is feeling different. For those of us who have lost our Moms, and the day brings up profound grief, well its not something I have looked forward to. As mentioned in previous posts, this year it also corresponds with the date (closely, not exactly) we found my mother, deceased, May 9, 2005. It also happens to fall on my favorite church holiday, Pentecost, the day of fire and Spirit.

Maybe it is no coincidence this year.

I have been conflicted - to go to church and risk the blending of Gospel, Acts and some weird mixing in of Mothers Day - or skip it.

A few years ago, after a painful separation and break-up, my good friends encouraged me to do a 'ritual' burning of letters and items that belonged to this relationship. One night we gathered on the back parking lot, and built a fire of memories. We said prayers for the person, for me, lit the items, tended to their burning, and watched in silence. I will never forget this gift my friends gave me. I still think of this person, and care for this person deeply. But something in this act allowed me to let it go - let her go.

With Pentecost being associated with fire, the descending of the Holy Spirit and the giving of gifts, I would like to think, believe this may be my year to receive a new gift, of letting go, of healing, of releasing.

On a separate but related note, in thinking about all of this, I have been listening to the "Once" soundtrack again. I am going to see The Swell Season (the Once folks) tonight. One of my favorite moments in the movie is when the girl goes to get some batteries for the walkman to listen to the tape the guy has given her. She's out and about, walking in her slippers, and singing a song. She sings "If You Want Me."

The lyrics go:

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
You know I really try
To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me
And I do what you ask me
If you let me be free

...

I began to think about this song, and my mom, and our relationship, so strong, haunting, troubled and sad. I hear Marketa's voice and almost always begin to tear. There is just so much there.
I think this is more than this post, and now I need a tissue.
to be continued...

(deep breath in... and) ... AHHhhhh.

Holy. That was some anxiety, the last few days. I forget to take my own advice, this too shall pass, but delighted in the comfort of your advice and the oh so gracious nature of my sweetie.

Today, is better. Smoke free for a week and a day, the sun is out, the leaves on the trees are budding, my list is still a mile long, but its OK. Still trying to visit my friends, readers and visitors - just take some time to catch up on your stories, I will get to everyone elses Friday 5 of last week, before this Friday rolls around. Really.

Until then... ahhhh.